How your dating profile would look, if it was up to men


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How your dating profile would look, if it was up to men

Basically, don’t post group photos, don’t ever use filters, and don’t be fat

Look, dating apps are serious business. I never thought they were before. I was so naive. I thought they were just things we used to meet people because we’re busy and it’s fun and easy but apparently, according to the apoplectically angry, misogynistic and opinionated people of the internet, dating apps are infuriating because women just keep fucking them up!

I never realised there were quite so many different ways that you could get your Tinder or Bumble presence so devastatingly wrong, but apparently there are. So strap yourself in, open the app and get ready to do a serious overhaul. This is what the men of Twitter think you should be doing on dating apps, and what you should avoid at all costs. And they must know what they’re talking about, right?

OK, so first of all don’t like dogs

Don’t have the same name as Josh’s unnamed ex-girlfriend

Always reply to every single person who ever messages you, ever

Never include any photos of you with another man

Never include any photos of you with your friends

Like, ever

Accept men of all heights regardless of your own height or personal preference because otherwise they will get sad

Live close to Tommy

Don’t take photos of your ass

Don’t have high expectations

Don’t, under any circumstances, put any of these things in your bio

But also, don’t, like, not have a bio

Don’t wait to see if you like someone or if they’ll kill you, do everything right away

Don’t use filters (this one is like, really important)

Don’t enjoy cocaine

Don’t enjoy avocados

You must swipe right on absolutely every single guy you see on the app or they will get upset

Don’t have a ‘dyke haircut’

Don’t try to have a conversation. Remember: you’re just here to suck a stranger’s dick

Don’t be fat

Don’t enjoy sports unless you know every obscure fact about that sport for the last 30 years

And once you’ve got all that down, most importantly don’t forget to have fun!