Basically, don't post group photos, don't ever use filters, and don't be fat
Look, dating apps are serious business. I never thought they were before. I was so naive. I thought they were just things we used to meet people because we’re busy and it’s fun and easy but apparently, according to the apoplectically angry, misogynistic and opinionated people of the internet, dating apps are infuriating because women just keep fucking them up!
I never realised there were quite so many different ways that you could get your Tinder or Bumble presence so devastatingly wrong, but apparently there are. So strap yourself in, open the app and get ready to do a serious overhaul. This is what the men of Twitter think you should be doing on dating apps, and what you should avoid at all costs. And they must know what they’re talking about, right?
OK, so first of all don’t like dogs
Don’t have the same name as Josh’s unnamed ex-girlfriend
Always reply to every single person who ever messages you, ever
Never include any photos of you with another man
Never include any photos of you with your friends
Like, ever
Accept men of all heights regardless of your own height or personal preference because otherwise they will get sad
Live close to Tommy
Don’t take photos of your ass
Don’t have high expectations
Don’t, under any circumstances, put any of these things in your bio
But also, don’t, like, not have a bio
Don’t wait to see if you like someone or if they’ll kill you, do everything right away
Don’t use filters (this one is like, really important)
Don’t enjoy cocaine
Don’t enjoy avocados
You must swipe right on absolutely every single guy you see on the app or they will get upset
Don’t have a ‘dyke haircut’
Don’t try to have a conversation. Remember: you’re just here to suck a stranger’s dick
Don’t be fat
Don’t enjoy sports unless you know every obscure fact about that sport for the last 30 years
And once you’ve got all that down, most importantly don’t forget to have fun!