Every type of one night stand you’ve had and will ever have before you realize they all suck

No one night stand is the same and by the time you’ve settled down with a steady fuck buddy or given up altogether, you’ll have experienced a lot of them.

The guy who falls asleep as soon as he’s finished

As soon as the last moan leaves his mouth, you start to shimmy down on the bed assuming that he would be gentleman enough to go down on you after finishing so so early. But, no — instead, he rolls off, whips the condom off himself and is out. Cold. It seems like he was asleep before he even hit the pillow. With an eye roll you turn to masturbation. Probably will finish better than what he could have done anyways.

The guy who insists it would be better to do anal

Throughout foreplay this sex seems like it’s going to be just fine, but then fingers start sliding. After some insisting, he stops, only to whine the rest of the night that anal would have been so much better for both of you. When he leaves, he asks you to consider it for “next time.”

Lol. “Next time.” 

Jake

There’s always a Jake.

The one and done

You see this guy in a bar for the first time and inevitably go home with him, feeling as if he could be your potential soulmate (even though you loathe the term). High off the wonderful sex, you fall asleep dreaming that he will be your new fuck buddy. In the morning, he’s gone. No phone number left behind, no “hey I went to get us bagels and coffee note,” nothing. You never see him in person again.

And then you find out he has a girlfriend when you stalk his Facebook profile a week later.

The one where no one finishes

From the start something was just… off. Whether it be the alcohol, chemistry or weird music he insisted on playing, nothing good is happening. He’ll blame his lackluster penis on everything but himself, and you’ll wait until he’s in the bathroom and bolt as soon as you get the chance.

The guy who always wants a blowjob

This is the guy that you’ll regret you ever hooked up with. No matter how many times you’ve had sex, he still only cares about one thing: that your lips (not the lips you want) meet his dick at some point or another. He doesn’t care how the sex goes as long as he gets a blowjob. It’s a sex relationship that doesn’t last very long.

The one where the guy refuses to reciprocate oral

Alright Mr. “I need a blowjob to have good sex,” why can’t you turn around and give it a good flick of a tongue? Because, unlike you, us women actually need some good ol’ clitoral stimulation to ever get off. And, anyways, sometimes your dick game just isn’t reliable.

Reciprocate or bye bye to your beloved blow.

The foreign guy you couldn’t help but take home

You might be on vacation, or he’s a foreign exchange student, but it doesn’t matter; that accent is hot. From the moment you laid eyes on him you knew that he had to be a sex god, and his voice would be even more sultry coming from in between your legs.

The one that came from a dare

Sadly, you didn’t know you were on the other end of a bet until the end of the night when he gushingly confesses what he just won from his buddies. And then you slap him for thinking of you as a piece of ass.

Make sure you get a chunk of winnings before you leave.

The time where you get caught… by his parents

You knew something was off when he insisted he had his own place and then proceeded to get a taxi to a neighborhood just outside of the city. The split level house was just too well designed for it to come from a recent college graduate bachelor. And suspicions were confirmed when a “Dylan I’m home, Nana sent home cookies” echoed through the living room.

The one that tries to suggest a threesome

You’ll just go back to the bar when he says “hey, why not bring your friend along” while waiting for the Uber.

Better luck next time, Buddy.

The time you went home with a guy because all your friends already had

Not one of your most proud moments tbh, but it’s better than being in the bar alone.

The hookup from Tinder

The bar scene just hasn’t been doing it lately, and you needed a good dicking, so Tinder it is. It only took a couple of right swipes and flirty messages to get a body at the door.

The time you faked an orgasm and he was convinced it was real

All women deserve an Oscar for their acting skills in bed.

The resort hookup

Who wouldn’t want to have sex in one of those luscious outside beds or oversized hammocks? And plus, with all the hot foreign guys there are enough hookups for you and your girls everyday you’re there.

The guy who can’t and won’t leave quick enough

The moment the sex ended, a deep seated feeling of regret set in. But he just won’t leave. The more you shoo him to leave, the longer he seems to want to stay seated in your kitchen chatting away.

The one you’d actually like to see again

But, sadly, he changed numbers. I wonder what he’s up to now?

@sierra_infinity