Sneaky ways to send nudes when you’d rather not change out of sweatpants
Fool the fuckboys once and for all
It’s 3am and your Tinder sweetheart pops up in your messages. That infamous phrase appears: “Send nudes.”
He’s cute, you’re liberal, except you’re two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s, three Krispy Kremes and four Reese’s cups deep in a sugar coma. Shit.
You’re in luck, because this article is about to be your knight in shining armor, your hero in the morning light. Here are a few nifty hacks to send nudes without stripping off a single layer. So binge away on those sugary delights, because your fuckboy will be none the wiser. You’re welcome.
When you’re 10 episodes deep into Netflix & Snacks and he sends a Snap asking for tit pics
Your room is a mess and your belly is full from six packets of pretzels (worth it). You wanna snap him a pic (you have a streak to maintain, after all), but are not willing to expose your post-binge bloat. Sigh. Fear not, for this pose makes taking “nudes” easy peasy let him squeeze me. You can literally hide your sins behind the chair while still looking sexy and suggestive. Minimal effort, maximum gains.
Plus, you can maintain the illusion of being a sullen sex goddess – he need never know your night in entails zero percent erotica and 100 percent Bridget Jones.
When you’re having dinner with the fam and he begs to see your flawless bod
For. Fuck’s. Sake. This could not be worse timing, but it’s happened to the best of us. You wanna respond but you gotta be smooth… subtle…. I call this move the Crease Lightening- and it makes for a surprisingly convincing vagina. Bend your knee, and take a zoomed in pic of the crease. Admittedly you may look a little hair-bare, but if he’s a true fuckboy he just won’t care. Juggling family life and a boy on the side? Gurrrlll, you’re on fire.
You’re in a meeting and guess who pops up in your inbox asking for a lil something something
Let’s name this the Mouthy Masterpiece. Obviously having someone pop up and ask for nudes in the middle of an important work event is not ideal. However, you’re an enterprising kind of girl – you have options. If you want to remain with a degree of erotica (and don’t fancy trying to pass off your sweaty-skinned crevices as your wonderful vagina), then try using your mouth. Pass it off like you’re scratching your face or thinking really intently about your boss’s pitch. This is sort of not even lying as your mouth is actually quite similar to your vagina – both got lips, both played host to disappointing dicks… the list is endless.
You’re out the shower, you skipped shaving, and he wants a peak of the good stuff
You’re mid sext and you send the “just going for a shower brb” classic conversation stopper. As per, he is not satisfied with having to exercise those brain cells and use his imagination. “Shower? How about you show me.” This is annoying as fuck, because who wants to get their phone steamy and wet after a shower? Water damage is an expensive price to pay just to please a man. Solution? Take a cheeky pic pre-scrub. What’s essential here is to show just enough skin to stimulate his sex-drive, but not enough to actually get you in trouble when he inevitably shares your pics in his “Bros, booze and bitches” group chat. Be cheeky, be suggestive, drive that boy mad with your “Oops – my towel’s slipped off!!” playful attitude.
Your sunbathing but can’t be bothered with a bikini selfie, because you don’t have 30 hours to set up the right lighting, camera angle, and would rather just sip on another mojito
This is the only time you should ever show him your heart, and this move can legit be done in t-minus 60 seconds. You don’t even have to waste precious years finding your best angle as emojis can cover a multitude of sins. Erotic emojis are probably best – think eggplant, peach, wink face etc… and get artistic. Hearts over nipples, a peach on your butt, the American flag covering your own stars and stripes- whatever you think will rev your fuckboy’s imagination to the max.
When you’re on the subway but don’t wanna keep him waiting
Maybe you do like him after all? Maybe your willing to risk low key humiliation in front of the hordes of 9am commuters to satisfy his needs. For this pic you will need time, patience, and a better quality camera than my shitty Iphone 5. However, if done correctly this could potentially be the most convincing vag of all. *Warning* be prepared for pain, tears and several pokes in the eye. A battle, to say the least, but the results are well worth it. The other passengers will probably think you’re looking for signs of conjunctivitis so you should have all the space you need to get this one down.
When you literally can’t be bothered with his shit anymore but low key still want attention
Oh sweetie, we’ve all been there. He’s sort of nice but definitely not hot enough for a full blown portrait of your naked physique. Tbh, you kinda just wish he’d fuck off into the jerk-osphere. But the attention!! He might have a face like an arse but who doesn’t love the feeling of a guy pining after you? Again, this is where you can utilize those lovely folds of skin that appear after another year of putting off your summer bod. Remember the crease in your knee? Shift the camera to your elbow and we’re onto a winner. This looks a bit more boobilicious so be careful what you try and pass the pic off as.
See, ladies? We need never take an actual nude (yawn) ever again. Think of this as just another way to prove how epic we are at playing the system. So fuck the fuckboys and have some fun. It’s about time they got a taste of their own shady-game-playing medicine.
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