I used dogs to get guy’s numbers, and I got more than just their digits

Guys using their dogs to pick up girls is apparently an age-old way to make it into our contact lists. I (ever the fool) had no idea about this and thought I was just getting by with my British wit, charm and love of canines. Little did I know, I was being played. So, I decided it was time to give these deceitful dog owners a taste of their own medicine.

In what I can safely say has been the best day of my life, I took to Central Park to see how many numbers I could get off guys, using my love of their dog as bait. Let me tell you, I have never enjoyed such success. Equipped with a killer line, “Your dog is so cute! But not quite as cute as you,” I began my mission.

(FYI – the names and ages featured are those of the dogs, not the owners. I am not a criminal).

Lilly, 11

Finding an excuse to pet this gorgeous little bundle of joy was not difficult, especially when her owner was H.O.T. I’ll admit, my first attempt at this was kinda sketchy, as approaching random men and asking for their numbers is actually pretty terrifying. I persevered.

Batting my eyelashes and professing my love of all things animal, I started up a pretty decent conversation with this guy. I showed him a picture of my pooch from home, and he swooned to high heaven and back. It was at this moment I knew I had him in my grasp.

“Hey, so this is gunna sound crazy, but I’m in New York for the summer and…. Since I just love Lilly so much maybe we could take her on a walk together?” He agreed, I basically jumped for joy and whipped out my cell for him to whack in those digits ASAP Rocky. Victory was mine.

Buddy, 18

This was a bit of a long shot as Buddy’s owner was kind of a silver fox. I approached with as much enthusiasm and adoration as I could muster- “Oh my God your dog is adorable! Can I pet him?” Literally within minutes (approx. 3.40. I timed it) he was tapping in his number with that smug look guys get when they feel like they’re about to get some.

You may be be thinking that he was probably just flattered by the attention of a younger woman. Incorrect. He actually said he couldn’t date someone who didn’t like dogs, and was pleasantly surprised at my doe-eyed love for his furry companion. My theory was working and I felt like a queen.

Cooper, 9, and Gracie, 13

With two dogs on each arm I knew I had to go in for the kill with this one. Yup, I was definitely there for the dogs, and not their 6ft 2 Brazilian walking God of a human owner. I honestly don’t understand why he wasn’t being blown over by a torrent of women throwing themselves at his feet, but who was I to complain? More for me.

I dove in with the classic “Can I stroke your wonderful pooch?” hoping that he would understand the euphemism and begin usual flirtation. Fuck knows why this dream of a man went for me, but low and behold he did. I saved his number as “The Jackpot” and went about my day. I was on a roll.

Unfortunately, this was when things took a turn for the worse. By that, I mean shit got weird. Observe the following encounters:

Parker, 8

This guy had that kind of clean-shaven, aviator/leather jacket classic fuckboy look nailed. Plus, he had a dog, so despite my best instincts I approached – with caution.

It all seemed to be going pretty well until I asked for his number. He sort of half-smiled and responded with “You see, the thing is. I don’t really give out my number.” Right. “Girls normally just give it to me.” Oh cool, I’d found an asshole.

In a rare moment of quick thinking, I whipped out my phone and proceeded to read out the digits a group of Jehovah’s witnesses had given to me when I first arrived in the US. And so, the fuckboy became the fucked.

George, 5

George’s owner was a hot Italian. A spicy meat feast. A man in his prime. I engaged in the usual routine “Oh my God I love your dog blah blah blah could you ever love me?”

Eventually, I asked for his number. “To be honest, I don’t use my number that much – do you want my Snapchat?” George’s owner replied. Why the hell not? It’s the 21st century, after all. We exchanged username details and wished each other a good rest of the day.

That is, until 30 minutes later a notification popped up on my home screen. One new Snapchat from SMF (spicy meat feast). I innocently opened up the app, expecting some chic selfie of SMF riding a Moped through Little Italy. No, I was greeted with a dick pic. Thirty minutes after we met. Some might view this as a success, but I personally thought the whole thing was a bit weird.

After careful consideration, I proceeded to respond with a picture of another man’s dog. Damn dude, looks like the player just got plaayyyeedd.

Cala, 3

This guy had the camo-shorts, socks and sandals, I’ve been in a relationship too long to care about my appearance vibe, but I decided to try my luck anyway. Big mistake. It all started out fairly normal. He let me pet his dog, we engaged in polite small talk, etc. Then I asked for his number.

He sighed, stroking his chin in thought, and said “The thing is, I have a girlfriend.” Fuck. Knew it. No single man wears camo. He then proceeded to add “But I mean… I’m open minded.” I was intrigued. “Maybe…. I dunno…. Maybe you could join me and my girlfriend sometime?” he said. “Like for a dog walk?” I naively replied. “Yeah… a ‘dog walk,’” he answered, gesturing quotation marks with his hands and slyly winking at me (ew).

I was legit too afraid to delve any further, but I think we can all agree he was 100 percent asking me to join him, his girlfriend and potentially the pup (?!?!) for a threesome. Like, I’m also “open minded” but dude, we just met in a park. I made my excuses and ran for my life.

Jackson, 5 months 

If anything, this encounter was just a bit sad. Jackson’s owner was sitting on a bench by himself, wistfully gazing into the distance. Like the predator I had become, I went in for the kill, my prey blissfully unaware of the events to follow.

“Hey! Can I just say, your dog is gorgeous! Can I stroke it?” Papa Jackson smirked, and simply replied “Sure.” Playing hard to get. I liked it.

I then tried some flirty small-talk, but I swear to God it was like getting blood out of a stone. Eventually I just went in with “Hey, are you OK?” Papa J cocked his head in my direction, gave a solemn attempt at a smile and replied “Sorry. It’s just today is the one year anniversary of my grandma’s passing.” Oh God. I am the worst human being alive.

Out of pity and, TBH, a complete inability to get out of the situation without forever being known as the biggest bitch there ever was, I sat and listened to Papa J tell me all about the walks he took with his grandma in Central Park and how much he missed her. How I had managed to go from flirty shenanigans to psychiatrist in less than ten minutes I will never know. At this point, I decided my work here was done.

All in all, I’d say that using dogs to get dudes was pretty effective. Although I found myself in some very strange circumstances I also managed to get some pretty cute guy’s numbers without having to rely on the magic of Tinder.

Would I do it again? Probably not, as I feel sufficiently scarred for life after the proposal of a threesome and the reminiscing of someone’s dead grandma… Who knows though, maybe you’ll have better luck. True love could be just a puppy away.