Beauty products to keep you from being a sweaty-ass swamp creature this summer

I'm just gonna say it. I'm coming out. I'm a sweaty bitch.

It doesn't matter if it's winter or summer, I will show up at the function flushed and immediately need to go to the bathroom to fan my face and swipe at the underboob sweat of practically Biblical proportions. That's not weird, right?

At least in the summer, everyone's a disgusting, sweaty mess. But thanks to my literal decades of overheating (I'm convinced I was sweating straight out the womb), I'm well-versed in what can minimize your moist misery to keep you (relatively) fresh and hydrated.

Nothing is worse than taking two hours to beat your face to the gods with razor sharp contour and glowing highlight only to have it all melt into a gooey-ass melted candle mess on your face by the time you get to wherever you're headed. Nothing worse. Yes, I'm counting all the wars.

To keep your skin from looking like a melted wax figure

But like war, it's all about the prep. Layering your primers sounds weird and sticky, but trust me when I say it's all in the kind of primer. On a freshly exfoliated and moisturized face, spray a layer of Smashbox Primer water all over your face and let it totally try. That's the first line of defense that'll keep everything smooth and off your actual face. Then rub a mattifying primer, like this one for oily skin only on the areas where you really sweat — nose, forehead, apples of your cheeks, and upper lip. Hoooly shit, do not forget the upper lip.

Let that dry, then continue on with foundation and concealer, letting each layer dry for like 10 minutes before moving on to powder. For foundations, team MATTE forever and don't even try to fight me on it. Kat Von D Lock-It foundation, Estee Lauder Double Wear, and any kind of stick foundation (NYX, Bobbi Brown, Anastasia).

Top the whole thing off with MAC Fix Plus so your shit doesn't look cake-y, then go TF in with Urban Decay's All-Nighter setting spray. The key is to do it in an X formation, and then a T and do like, four layers. Maybelline makes a semi-decent alternative. It's a little itchy, but for totally fine for a quarter of the price.

To keep your shadow from creasing

For eyes, you've got two options. You can either go casual and swipe a coat of a waterproof creme shadow across your lid with a finger like the fun n spontaneous cool girl you are (Maybelline Color Tattoo for life), or lean the fuck into your extra-ness and pack your fucking eye with blended-ass colors.

If you're doing a full smokey eye (same), once again, it's about prep. You've gotta use a hefty eyelid primer like MAC's Paint Pot to anchor that shit down. Put on like, two layer and then dust a nude powder over it so the other colors glide on easier.

To avoid raccoon eyes

Bitch. Waterproof. I know every single time you're standing in Sephora, you think you can get regular. Stop it. Grow up.

To fight off swamp-ass

This is so weird, but there's this cream made for ballsacks that literally stops that whole sweaty crotch situation before it even starts. The best offense is a good defense when it comes to swamp-ass, so wear something NOT polyester and maybe a panty liner. It's thin, no one will even know. For chub rub, swipe deodorant on the inside of your thighs before you go out and you're good aaaaall day. What was my life before I discovered this hack?

Now go forth and stay matte, you sweaty lil hoes.