Every time it made absolutely no sense that Dan Humphrey was Gossip Girl
No this is not a spoiler, it finished five years ago
by Bobby Palmer
A few weeks back, we asked you a simple question. What was the straight-up dumbest thing that ever happened on Gossip Girl?
There were a lot of options: Rufus Humphrey’s obscenely spacious apartment; the second coming of Bart Bass; the fact they all only went to college for only one semester and no-one seemed to notice.
Yet of the 11,000 people who voted, an enormous 61.08 per cent opted for the most ridiculous reveal of all. Yep, Dan Humphrey being Gossip Girl makes absolutely no fucking sense.
Don’t believe us? Don’t worry. Sit back, relax and let this smörgåsbord of reasons do the talking.
THE FACT HE TRACKED CARTER BAIZEN AROUND THE WORLD FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON
Despite feigning ignorance about Carter Baizen when he’s first introduced in the tenth episode of the show, it’s not long before one of Blair’s anonymous minions told us Gossip Girl had a “dedicated Carter Baizen map.”
Meaning that, even prior to his courtship of Serena, Dan was charting the gap year travels of a relatively nondescript guy whom he’d never even met.
THE TIME HE TOLD EVERYONE ABOUT SERENA BUYING A PREGNANCY TEST
And then reacted to the post about it with a :o shocked face in front of his sister and his own father. Maybe he wanted the internet to think he was super virile?
Regardless, it’s later revealed that the test was actually for Blair. Dan responds: “Who’s your Daddy, B? Baby Daddy, that is!”
EVERY TIME HE POSTED SOMETHING ONLINE ABOUT HIS SISTER’S SEX LIFE
Like in the very first episode, where he reacts to a text about Chuck sexually assaulting his sister by posting “I told you I love parties” on Gossip Girl. Or later in the same season, where he spreads a rumour about her losing her virginity.
Or when she actually loses her virginity, and he splashes it on his blog for the second time around.
WHEN HE SHOUTED AT JENNY FOR SENDING A COMPROMISING PHOTO OF HIM TO GOSSIP GIRL EVEN THOUGH HE IS GOSSIP GIRL AND JENNY KNEW THIS
Granted, the reason for Dan’s posts about Jenny are weakly explained away in the final episode with the “she knew all along” hypothesis.
But if that’s true, why does Jenny send a photo of Dan in bed with Serena to Gossip Girl? And why does Dan, AKA Gossip Girl, post it online despite having a girlfriend at the time?
Look, we’re not blaming Rufus, but these children must have had a seriously fucked up childhood to do this sort of thing for kicks.
WHEN HE TOLD THE WORLD HIS SISTER WAS A DRUG DEALER
Oh come on.
WHEN HE TOLD THE WORLD HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS A DRUG ADDICT
After he’s left her to OD on her own in a hotel room. Real stand up guy, this Humphrey fella.
WHEN HE ANNOUNCED TO THE WORLD, AT LEAST THREE TIMES, THAT HE CHEATED ON HIS GIRLFRIEND
With his teacher, whom he gets fired. Even though she is the one sending the tips into him. Which, somehow, he doesn’t know.
As if that wasn’t enough, he then does it again with the aforementioned risky bed pic. And AGAIN, with a picture of him fake kissing Blair.
Look mate, if you want to be single there are easier ways to go about it.
AND THEN DECLARED HIS GIRLFRIEND ‘IRRELEVANT’
Wtf man you guys literally just went to prom together???
AND THEN TOLD THE WORLD SHE HAD AN STD
And then immediately posted a “spotted” photo of himself at the student health clinic, because nothing screams “social butterfly” like making the entire tri-state area think you have herpes.
EVERY TIME HE LITERALLY EMAILED HIMSELF
You know, like when he emails Gossip Girl asking where Juliet is in season four, and she emails him right back with the correct answer.
Seriously? Did Gossip Girl become self aware? Did Dan Humphrey inadvertently invent Siri? None of this adds up.
EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID WHICH WOULD SOUND INFINITELY CREEPIER IN HIS VOICE
ALL THE TIMES HE COULDN’T PHYSICALLY HAVE POSTED SOMETHING
Like at Blair’s wedding, when he somehow managed to film Blair confessing her love to Chuck, write a blog post about it and send it out to all of his followers in his pocket as he stood there on the aisle.
For all his faults, you can’t say he’s not talented.
EVERY SINGLE TIME HE ACTED SURPRISED AT SOMETHING HE WROTE ON HIS OWN FUCKING BLOG
Like in the FIRST FUCKING EPISODE, where he reads about Serena’s return with the gobsmacked face of a man whose traumatising short term memory loss means he doesn’t know HE WROTE WHAT HE’S READING.
There’s also the time he gets upset reading about Serena looking for a date to the masked ball. Or the time he finds out Georgina is sunning herself on a beach while he’s left with their supposed lovechild.
All of these times he is alone, yet all of these times he pulls a shocked “I can’t believe what’s on Gossip Girl” face. What game are you playing, Dan? WHY DON’T YOU MAKE ANY SENSE?
Xoxo, Dan Humphrey.