Every type of guy you’ll ever sleep with, illustrated

Heterosexual women have the least orgasms, according to research. That’s a scientific fact. In terms of the orgasm gap we fall behind (in order): hetereosexual men, gay men, bisexual men, lesbian women and bisexual women.

Now I’m not saying that’s because we’re all sleeping with guys like this. But it probably doesn’t help.

This man has likely never had sex before – which, no shame, is absolutely fine for him – but equally, at this moment, bad for you. He’ll freak out at the sight of your boobs and will awkwardly hold just one of them while you kiss.

He’s scared to go near your clit (he probably thinks it’s a myth) and instead spends 20 minutes prodding you asking you if you’re “close” to which you definitely, definitely aren’t.

You’ll let him have his five minutes of fun, claim it was great, roll over and “fall asleep.”

He’s probably read Cosmo somehow or Googled sex positions thinking that every woman wants to take part in the ‘London Bridge’ or ‘erotic accordion’ moves. Let’s just do doggy and be done with it.

No, I don’t want to give you a rusty trombone.

It’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy and it is a big deal.

I am not a piece of meat – that’s what you feel like telling him, but you can’t get the words in when he’s jackhammering you so hard that you either your bed or your bones are going to be broken soon.

You leave black and blue the next morning and resolve to stop picking up ‘roid heads at the gym.

He’s either a big, buff guy with a tiny penis or a tiny, skinny, weedy man with the biggest and best dick you’ve ever seen.

Either way you know you’re going to be frantically telling the group chat all about this in the morning.

Noise is good. Noise is great actually. Maybe it’s because stereotypically straight men aren’t supposed to make much noise during sex (which is bullshit). Think of every porno you’ve ever watched: I bet it features a near shrieking woman throughout and a man who occasionally grunts for the camera.

So getting a noisy guy can at first be a blessing. You’re thinking something along the lines of “yes, I am a sexual guru. I am a goddess. I have made this man moan despite his better archaic heteronormative judgement.” It feels great.

But on the other hand, there is too much noise. If you’re making more noise than me then THERE IS A PROBLEM and it’s that you’re shit at sex (see: the fucking really selfish one).

There are, of course, sub categories of noisy boys. There’s the one who calls you the wrong name – “Sarah, you’re amazing,” he says, but your name has never been, is not, and never will be Sarah, so you ask him to leave. There’s the accidental “I love you guy” – again, the awkward silence, then you ask him to leave (sensing a pattern here). There’s the guy who tries to do dirty talk but fails badly – he calls you a “dirty girl” in that awful porno accent and you cringe.

There’s the guy who tries to do dirty talk and really nails it – please carry on. And of course there’s the “you don’t ask you don’t get” guy – you know the one “Can we do anal? Can we have a threesome? Can I do coke off your tits? Can I come on your face? Can I come in your mouth? Can I come on your tits? Can I come inside you? Can you get out your sex toy? Can you finger yourself in front of me? Can we try the rusty trombone? Can you call me daddy? Can we do it outside?”

As much as I admire your optimism, the answer is probably, invariably, no.

From the moment he enters your room until the after it’s over you will hear absolutely NOTHING. He will make no noise. You can’t tell whether he likes it, hates it, is asleep, has stopped breathing, has died in your arms, and when it’s over.

Occasionally you sneak a quick peek and he might look like he’s enjoying it but it ruins the fun if you can’t hear he’s enjoying it. I’m not asking for porn star theatrics here, but you don’t go to the cinema to watch a film without the sound do you? No.

Pro-tip: Probably has deep seated intimacy issues and is miles away when you’re having sex and will always be mind-numbingly boring during the post-coital chat.

This guy is probably really hot, you’ve been wanting to fuck him for ages and you think you’re in store for quite the evening.

Despite knowing he probably isn’t that fussed, you spent some time giving him a handjob to lead up to the blowjob, knowing that being the fucking kind person you are doing both those things, he’s gonna return the favor. But oh no, after 10 minutes of gagging and pretending to feel aroused, he says “let’s have sex.”

But what about ME? What about my needs? If you convince him to go down on you it’ll be for two minutes tops and most of the time he was fingering you, but down there.

“What now? Again?? It’s 5am and I have work in the morning?! Oh you just want to go down on me again? OKAY THEN.” He is a super human with superhuman energy and superhuman cum. Five times is a normal amount at any time of day; he wants your sex and he will have it as he pleases.

Admit it though, there’s nothing more satisfying than telling the squad in the morning that you literally got fucked 10 times last night because your boy just wants it.

Illustrations by Bobby Palmer