All the dumb things people say when you’re a woman who doesn’t want children

I’ve never wanted children, and I’ve always been vocal about it – it’s my choice and really, not anyone else’s business. But, almost every time it comes up in conversation, I’m given advice – or worse, told that I’ll change my mind – by people who really have nothing to do with my womb and what I decide to do with it.

It’s patronising at best, and just plain rude at worst. Take a moment to imagine telling someone who does want children that “not old enough to make that decision” or that they’ll “definitely change their mind when they’re older” and think about how utterly ridiculous it sounds.

Being 23 apparently makes me old enough to bring a literal living breathing being into the world, but not old enough to decide that really, I don’t fancy it. I’m not alone in this: I spoke to other young women facing the same reactions, often from near-strangers, to see just how ridiculous it can get.

Addi, 25, Farming and Artificial Insemination

The main response, which is no surprise, is that as I am ‘only 25’ I don’t know what I want and will probably change my mind. What frustrates me is that so many of these people had their first children younger than I am now and knew that they wanted them and made the conscious decision to become pregnant.

I get told my life will be empty as I will have no-one to love when I grow old, and that there is no right time to have a baby but you will love it when it arrives. Again, sadly, that is a very subjective point.

I’m in a relatively long term relationship and I commented to a friend (single mother with a six-year-old) that if I was to get pregnant, I wouldn’t keep it because I don’t want a child and it wouldn’t be fair to bring an actively unwanted child into the world. Her response was: “you’re a selfish bitch”, as she considers abortion murder (which is her opinion).

I’ve been told I’ll die alone without children and that my life will never be complete. I don’t want children because I don’t believe I’ll be able to give a child the life I had growing up. My parents gave us everything, and worked incredibly hard to do it. The nature of my career is too flakey and uncertain to predict and I wouldn’t want to end up raising a child alone, while still trying to work. But obviously, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Mel, 25, Graphic Designer

I don’t really remember how we got onto the topic (probably a joke about it being my turn next) but my parents were really shocked at the hearing me say that I didn’t want kids, and after the usual “why not?” questions they said “well we want grandkids”, so I replied “It’s not really your decision is it? Plus I have a brother so you can still have grandkids”.

They just replied with: “Well, having children is so rewarding, when you’re settled and have met the right man you’ll change your mind” (This is despite 25 years of hearing how horrible pregnancy and childbirth is and what a pain in the arse my brother and I are).

Also, a guy from work once said to me: “Well what if you meet a man that you’re really in love with and he really wants to have children…would you give that up just because you don’t want kids?”

How rude.

Izzy, 23, Student

So mostly I get: “you say that now, but you’ll change your mind”, or “you’re so young, you can’t know now”, even from people who don’t know me at all – I definitely know myself better than they do.

I hate when people say kids are what makes their life meaningful too. What is it about human life that it is inherently meaningless and therefore not valuable unless you procreate? That’s ableist as hell and makes no sense. My life is meaningful enough if I just do what I love and am nice to others and make some small positive change in the world, and I don’t want to bring innocent kids into a world where climate change could subject them to unprecedented conflict, resource shortage and suffering.

Alana, 25, Digital Outreach Executive

When I say I don’t want children people always reply with: “you will when you’re older” or “you’ll know when you’re read”. I’m a 25 year old woman in a long term relationship, and I’m certain about what I want in my life and it doesn’t involve having a child.

I don’t like children, and to be honest I don’t even know how to act around them so that’s my reasoning. When I say it’s just not for me you tend to get: “oh it will be in time” or shamed for even making the comment.

Izy, 24, Swimming Teacher

I haven’t really told anyone who I think would disagree, because I don’t know what people would say! I’ve told some people who I know are open minded, but I haven’t even mentioned it to my mum because i think she’d be quite shocked.

I’m a swimming teacher as well, which I love, but I like seeing the kids for half an hour then sending them away.

Right now I can’t picture myself having kids when I could just have a dog.

Because who doesn’t love dogs?

@_hannah_tomes