Today is National Selfie Day, so you will literally never have a better excuse to send a nude
Seize the day, send him some underboob
It’s a flimsy excuse, but you know you want to anyway. Yes, today is officially National Selfie Day, decreed by the gods (fine, the internet) and celebrated the world over — frankly, I’m shocked and disgusted that I even have to show up to work today. And while you could spend today smizing against a wash of warm, natural lighting and perfecting a not-at-all-candid candid using a tripod and a remote control (not that I’ve ever done this), you could also spend today on something far more useful: sending nudes and laying thirst traps that would otherwise be too out-of-the-blue to Snap.
But honestly, why stop at a 3-second (the perfect Snapchat time amount in every situation, trust me) photo that will fade from his memory in a week like so much human self-tanner? We’re the validation generation. You need to let everyone see what you’ve got going on. Don’t just snap a titty — tweet it, and then pin it to the top of your timeline. Collect compliments and favorites like you’re trick-or-treating for attention. Unfollow and/or mail death threats to anyone who doesn’t give you the praise your body deserves.
Actually, fuck it. Go to Kinkos. Print out hundreds of glossy 12x7s of yourself and start papering every telephone pole in the tri-state area. Maybe include your Instagram handle because all publicity is good and you took a marketing class once. Maybe that’s how you’ll meet your spouse. And someday your kids will ask to hear the story of how you two met, and you’ll think back this article with a fond and knowing smile.
Or maybe we’ll all be dead soon and none of this matters.
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