Are all men with abs evil? An investigation

While talking to my friends about fuckboys earlier this week, I couldn’t help but wonder Carrie Bradshaw-style: what is the common denominator behind the major heartbreakers?

You know, not just the exes you drift away from because they only like country music and don’t know how to give head. I’m talking about the ones who ruin your life. Then, we figured it out. They have abs. All men with abs are evil.

Just admit it. You’ve been burned by a boy with abs. Don’t worry, literally everyone I know has. Here’s why: now I know this sounds harsh, but men with abs are just like their exterior — cold, stony and lacking any way to comfort you.

Like, let’s be honest: cuddling men with abs is like cuddling with some kind of chiseled marble man. And there is definitely no emotional cuddling going on with them, because they don’t have a soul. Instead, there’s a little demon in each ab telling him to run your heart over and fuck your best friend.

And while I could just use my exes as case studies to prove my theory, I’ve decided to include some shitty celebrities with abs instead.

Exhibit A: Mark Wahlberg has abs and he is literally the worst

Mark has definitely sacrificed at least 5 young men to keep his abs all these years. While I don’t have proof of that evil act, I do have proof of other evil acts he’s committed, including assaulting an old man and throwing rocks at children because of their race. Are his abs a coincidence? I think not.

Exhibit B: Guess who else has abs? Notorious heartbreaker Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt may be beautiful, but he is also absolutely definitely 100 percent evil. He has broken the heart of Jennifer Aniston AND Angelina Jolie — two of the most perfect women to walk the Earth. He also cursed this Earth with ‘Fight Club’, the mating call of fuck boys everywhere.

Exhibit C: Drake Bell, transphobic drunk driver, also has abs

While I think “transphobic drunk driver” says it all, you should also know he publicly shamed Josh Peck for not inviting him to his wedding even though the two haven’t been friends in years. He is definitely this way because of the abs, just saying.

Exhibit D: If you needed any more proof, JARED KUSHNER has abs

Jared Kushner, one of the horsemen of the apocalypse along with daddy-in-law Donald Trump, Steve Bannon and Jeff Sessions, has abs. He is definitely plumping that kid up to eat it, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I know this thoroughly scientific study has convinced you. Hopefully, it will save your life. Next time you see a man with abs, run away. Block that gym-selfie taking motherfucker on Instagram. Go find you a guy with the perfect amount of pudge — he will make you much happier, I promise.