How to be a woman on the internet
It’s a jungle out there, gals
Look, not to sound like a PSA on online safety or one of those overpaid columnists who write about how much they hate Instagram-obsessed millennials, but the internet is a truly terrifying place.
Sure, it can be amazing, a hive of quizzes where if you pick a meal BuzzFeed tell you what kind of guy you’ll marry and supportive communities for anyone who’s looking to feel less alone, but it can also be a neverending chasm of abuse and anonymous vitriol.
Or at least, it can be if you’re a woman.
Excellent early depiction of how it feels to be a woman on the internet. pic.twitter.com/Kp8MtPHUYL
— Alex von Tunzelmann (@alexvtunzelmann) July 4, 2017
Sure, we are just one of many groups singled out for online hate by trolls, but that doesn’t make it any less unpleasant.
Earlier this week, Amelia Tait wrote about how women are forced to be apologetic and “friendlier” when talking online, and plus sized blogger Stephanie Yeboah tweeted about her experience of “existing as a fat woman online”, where she was called “unhealthy” and “obese” before being asked out by a man who explained that, “in porn she’d be known as a BBW.”
There are countless other examples, but obviously as the parameters of what it’s OK to do, say and be as a female get narrower and narrower, and an army of new idiot men inspired by the President of the United States come of age online, being a woman on the internet can be an ugly experience.
So here – a handy guide on how to survive it! Good luck.
Do not use a Snapchat filter
Snapchat filters are cute and make everyone look better and they’re a cool way to celebrate your own appearance while also being tongue in cheek! Because of these enjoyable aspects, they’re universally hated and somehow make you basic and annoying. OK then.
Idk if any guy feels the same way but I hate when girls be using the voice changer filter on Snapchat shits annoying
— Allan Fa¿ardo (@xallan97x) June 19, 2017
Never indulge in an Instagram boomerang
Guess what? Yes! Correct! Instagram boomerangs, another fun way to share great moments with your friends, automatically render you basic, attention-seeking and annoying. Like, about as annoying as those selfies where you hold the phone in front of your face and reduce the saturation. Oh, like this guy’s!
You know that cute little boomerang you keep uploading to your Instagram story?
It's annoying and basic. Please stop.
— Doug Bies (@dougbies) April 4, 2017
So you know, probably best to avoid that.
Do not express any pride in your appearance, work, friendships or relationships
Wow, conceited much? Confidence and self-assurance does not exist for women online, just narcissism.
it's sad when girls are scared to post something they are proud of because they know how much hate they're gonna get for it
— julia (@juliaweisdack) June 24, 2017
Don’t be fat
OK, let me explain this one carefully, because it’s a lot to wrap your mind around: You might have thought, in the halcyon days before the strangers of the internet dictated your every thought, feeling and action, that why someone was “fat” was nobody’s business but their own – and that they can like it or dislike it as much as they want.
this is why girls on the internet are so insecure, i'm 16 and 5"7 and 123 lbs, & my bmi says i'm underweight so what grown woman will be 105 pic.twitter.com/jDg2lHmaDS
— claire (@clxireify) July 4, 2017
Your weight, particularly if you’re comfortable or confident with it, is now collectively the responsibility of the internet, for people to comment on and judge endlessly. You have the audacity to have a corporeal form? Prepare to hear some opinions, girl.
I'm kinda bothered when fat girls call themselves thick I'm not against fat girls nor do I shame them but like no I'm sorry girl that's fat
— Vega (@ThatMexicanLupe) June 29, 2017
Don’t be ugly
See: Don’t be fat.
Don’t talk about fashion
It doesn’t matter that every lil’ boy hypebeast in a 50 mile radius stood in line for 72 hours for the latest Supreme drop, liking shopping as a woman is different. It’s, y’know, basic.
Contrary to what your parents always told you, always accept DMs from strangers
In real life, someone you don’t know screaming sexual things at you from a passing van would be strange and upsetting. But on the internet you should accept all sexual comments from strangers as compliments. Not doing so means you’re a stuck up, uptight, bitch who probably needs to get some anyway.
It's weird how much being a woman on the internet is just ignoring messages about sex from random dudes you've never met.
— Savanah Lowder (@offcolorlit) July 4, 2017
Guys: I don't like girls who show off too much skin.
Guys: *likes hundreds of pictures of naked girls online* pic.twitter.com/e24Zm0dLIa
— Manu ♡ (@klaydurant) June 20, 2017
Do not express any emotions whatsoever
Ugh, attention seeking.
Contrary to what your parents always told you, always follow (strangers) back
See: Accepting DMs from sexually aggressive strangers.
why do girls ignore guys on the dms ? Smh
— إلفيس (@Elviszn09) May 2, 2017
Don’t like dogs
Liking dogs is basic.
#imSinglebecause girls like to waste their time on broke.basic.dogs
— mikey (@LiquidMicroDots) January 22, 2013
Don’t like movies
Girls have bad taste in movies.
Girls with bad taste in music are trash
— lil slit ? (@LeeForTree) June 23, 2017
Don’t like music
Girls have bad taste in music. Girls like basic, internationally successful pop stars who are automatically seen as awful because they’re enjoyed by teenage girls. Girls like untalented, unimpressive singers like Katy Perry, Lana Del Rey, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift.
I don't get why most girls pretend to like good bands.
— LIL PEACH (@cemeterywifi) October 26, 2013
Don’t like those? OK, well look, don’t even try to pretend you like the classics. Unless you can name five B-sides from Nirvana, The Pixies, The Rolling Stones and Bob Dylan and every influence they’ve ever had, then don’t bother. Everyone knows you’re just pretending to like them for brownie points from actually musically knowledgable men.
Don’t like sports
C’mon. Girls don’t know anything about sports.
See also: Music and movies.
One of life's greatest mysteries is why girls pretend to like sports they know nothing about. pic.twitter.com/A9QRobhkhA
— Kev (@KGJump12) May 3, 2017
Never claim any knowledge of any topic whatsoever if you don’t know e v e r y d e t a i l of that topic
Oh you like The Beatles? Well, actually hun, you can’t name John Lennon’s grandmother’s favorite color and star sign so um, guess you’re not a real fan sweetie. Sorry ’bout it.
Do not wear too much makeup
If you were too much makeup it will appear that you are trying to trick men and they will want to throw cups of water over your natural cat-eye liner or take you swimming to deconstruct your finessed contour. Misleading temptress!
ur actually so stupid if you think a cup of water is going to wash off makeup the way you imagine https://t.co/TsX1aF7BEb
— isabel ?? (@lSABABE) July 4, 2017
But also like, don’t not wear makeup, c’mon now
Make an effort, yeah?
Do not dress provocatively
It might be OK for some people to pose naked online – if they’re like, leaked on 4Chan and your MCM can masturbate to them without thinking of them as potentially life and career ruining revenge porn – but it’s not OK for you. Don’t do it.
Some of You girls tweet about god, but post half naked pics on social media for attention ?????♂️?
— Bryce (@okiehomiee) July 4, 2017
Don’t be in a relationship
Look, nobody here wants to know about your happy, healthy, loving relationship. What, you think you’re too good for the dick pics in your message requests? Wow.
Don’t be single
OK, so you don’t have a boyfriend, but you still don’t wanna reply to the dick pics in your message requests? You really think you somebody, huh.
Do not try to be funny
Girls can’t be funny, duh. Girls can’t be sarcastic, they can’t be dry, they can’t be self-deprecating and they definitely can’t be sassy. There is but one exception to the rule – girls can laugh about jokes made about girls online. What? You don’t find witty, innovative one-liners about making sandwiches and being in the kitchen funny?
Well then you must not have a sense of humor.
No she is not. Women are not funny..name one good female comedian vs men who MADE comedy.
— Horatio Honzo (@HuzzahHonzi) July 2, 2017
Don’t be a feminist
You might have thought feminist meant a person who advocates for equal rights for men and women, but that definition is wrong, because on the internet feminist means “you are cancer.” Nah, I don’t really understand it either.
Five most dangerous disease of the world
2. Hepatitis B
3. HIV AIDS
5. FEMINIST ?
— KRITIK RAWAL (@RawalKritik) June 21, 2017
Do not post selfies
Any girl who posts selfies burns in hell according to the scriptures of the internet.
NB: These rules are subject to change according to the ever-changing whims and expectations of men on the internet and what they decide makes you a basic, ugly, fat, promiscuous human being. Babe accepts no responsibility for – or interest in – fluctuations in the opinions of these people.
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