Sex IRL: The university student who threw up on a guy’s dick

sex IRL  • 

Sex IRL: The university student who threw up on a guy’s dick

‘Who the fuck is next to me?’

Sex IRL is a new series by babe dedicated to detailing the ups, downs and in-betweens of real girls’ sex lives. It’s unfiltered, graphic and, most importantly, real. This week, a 20-year-old university student who had too much alcohol in her to deep throat and whose ex wants her to forgive him for cheating. 20, straight, UK.

Day one

11 a.m. Wake up to a Snapchat from Lewis. Ah, a video of his dick, how charming. This isn’t entirely that surprising, I get these on the reg. Lewis is a guy I had a one night stand with about a year ago, but we stayed friendly as we have a lot of mutual friends and we always seem to bump into each other. I reply with a bare faced picture of me with a double chin saying “thanks for that.” This is what my life is.
12 p.m. I have literally no plans today so I walk into my housemate’s room and ask her if she wants to get drunk today for absolutely no reason. Being the same tragic mess as I am, she agrees.
2 p.m. Couple glasses of wine in, we’re wall twerking in the living room to Missy Elliott. It’s a good day. I drunkenly decide to check who’s online on Facebook. Ben’s online. Ben is HOT. Ben and I have been talking for a while but we’ve never actually met up despite him asking me out for food over a month ago. Ben’s flakey, Ben ignored my last message. That was yesterday morning. Sure, it was only a message along the lines of “agh I’m stressed about assignments too; what have you got left to hand in?” but he’s ignored me, and he is currently online, and has been for the past day. He always does this, then he’ll pop up with a cute message once I’ve driven myself insane and convinced myself that if he liked me, he wouldn’t ignore me.
3 p.m. I hold back and don’t drunk text Ben.
5 p.m. I unblock my ex so I can check his Instagram, nope, nothing interesting. I block him again. I hate the guy, but a girl can’t help but be curious y’know? He cheated on me and I made sure he regretted that by completely humiliating him. I’ve blocked him on everything but every now and again I have a little snoop to reassure myself that his life is way worse off without me in it. (As it should be)
8 p.m. I am very drunk and pass out.

Day two

11 a.m. Hungover as fuck. I have work today too, great. My day is made a little bit better by a message from Ben (yes!).
12 p.m. Ben tells me he’s been so busy with assignments and that he can’t wait for the parties that are coming up in a few days once he’s done. I tell him that I’m also excited for all of the parties. We’re attending the same party in a couple of days so I’m hoping this will be the right time to make my move as HE STILL HASN’T ARRANGED A TIME FOR US TO GO ON A DATE.
2 p.m. Absolutely dying at work. Sipping on energy drinks praying I’ll survive this shift.
4 p.m. Conversation goes on for a while with Ben but OH SHOCK HE’S LEFT ME ON READ AGAIN.
7 p.m. Finished work,  I head to the local bar for a few drinks to cure this hangover with a few friends and what a surprise, I bump into Mr Dick Pick aka Lewis. We have a bit of a flirt, nothing new there.
10 p.m. I head home and receive a message off Lewis. He wants to make his interest known and tells me to “hit him up if I ever need seeing to.” Touching. But if I’m honest I might take him up on his offer as it’s been a good few weeks and ngl I’m horny.

Day three

10 p.m. It’s the weekend and I realize that my ex boyfriend (who doesn’t live anywhere near me) is indeed down in my city for this weekend to visit some of his friends. How splendid.
11 a.m. I check his Instagram again, and yup, a boomerang of the train station proves that he is indeed here. My friend has invited me out tonight to a club opening and I really wanna go, it’s gonna be a good night, but knowing my luck he’ll be there.
10 p.m. In the club, drunk. I spot my ex attempting to dance with girls. They do not wanna dance with him. It’s great.
11 p.m. Ben messages me asking how I am and being all kinds of nice. Being the stupid drunk person I am, I decide to tell him that I’ve just bumped into my ex WHO DOESN’T EVEN LIVE HERE at this club and how he’s acting like an asshole and how I just wanna go home. Ben even tells me he’ll stay awake until I let him know I’ve got home same. I tell him it’s okay.
1 a.m. I get even more drunk & fall over in front of my ex. Kill me.
3 a.m. I head home, get into bed with snacks and I’m about to fall asleep when I hear MY EX shouting in the street begging for forgiveness.

Day four

4 a.m. My ex is crying and begging for forgiveness, telling me he still loves me and he doesn’t know what possessed him to cheat on me. I sit there and let him do his bit and find it quite amusing. I pass out.
9 a.m. I wake up. Shit. Who the fuck is next to me? Oh, it’s my fucking disgusting creature of an ex boyfriend.
10 a.m. He leaves and has to catch a train back home. Bye hun. Thank god nothing actually happened but I’m weirdly glad he actually apologized, it was nice to see him cry over me.

Day five

10 a.m. Today’s a busy day. I wake up to a text off Ben asking me if I’m headed to the party tonight. “OF FUCKING COURSE I AM. (If ur there)”. I didn’t send that, I played it cool. “Yeah think so, have quite a busy day so I will if I have time.” I kinda wanna go out to a club tonight but willing to go to this shit house party if he’s gonna be there.
1 p.m. Day drinking is dangerous. I start having a few nice drinks alfresco with my friends, I’m literally drinking cider from a bucket.
6 p.m. Fast forward a couple hours. I’m absolutely shit-faced and nowhere near ready for this house party. Nobody I know is going except Ben.
7 p.m. I message him and surprise sur-fucking-prise he is flakey, again. He isn’t sure if he’s going or not now.
9 p.m. Fuck this. I finish a bottle of prosecco and get ready for the club. Turns out Ben never went to the party anyway.
1 a.m. I have an unsuccessful night of getting with someone in the club, so I (very very drunkenly) decide to take Lewis up on his offer of mediocre sex.
2 a.m. Lewis comes over.
2.05 a.m. He comes in me.
2.06 a.m.  I decide I’m going to try my hand (or my mouth?) at deep throating.
2.07 a.m. Turns out I’m not very good at deep throating when I’ve had about 50 units of alcohol after a 14hr booze binge.
2.08 a.m. I throw up. All over his dick. He leaves.

Day six

1 p.m. Well well well, I’m dead. My ex is now sending me paragraphs over text (I agreed to unblock his number so we could “be civil”) and it’s kinda satisfying, kinda annoying.
2 p.m. I have come to the decision that I’m not gonna speak to Lewis for a while, I think we need our time apart after last night. I think to myself “he might not remember that part” and I remember that oh yes, he was sober.
5 p.m. After yet another read but not replied message off him I’ve decided to wash my hands with Ben, he is flakey and I can’t deal with the whole “maybe I will maybe I won’t” vibe he sends off. Fuck you Ben.

Day seven

10 a.m. I’m moving out of my university house today and going back home to the middle of nowhere, so I’m feeling quite sad that I’m waving goodbye to my mediocre bootycalls and the mediocre Tinder game that the big city gives me.
5 p.m. I’m home. I swipe through Tinder. Cousin after cousin after cousin. The countryside is a weird place.
8 p.m. I go for a drink with my friend. A few creeps try to join our conversation and I keep seeing guys I went to school with at the bar. They keep asking me questions about university and asking me if I’m single. I tell them I’m not. A blatant lie but hopefully they’ll leave me alone.
11 p.m. Ah, here we go. A Facebook message off one of the guys I saw earlier and told I had a boyfriend. “Hi hun was nice seein u earlier you look good wanna meet up sometime.” Nope.


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