This is the average timeline of normal relationships, to see if you’re being too intense

Ever wondered if your relationship is a bit too much? Feeling tired of your friends saying you need to slow down, as you shop for wedding dresses after two-and-a-half months with that guy you met on Tinder? Are you perhaps unsure if you and your partner are acting, you know, normal?

Well, worry no longer. Loans company Provident polled thousands of loved-up couples to work out what’s actually normal in a modern relationship, and came up with these results.

Basically, if you and your significant other aren’t conforming to these rigid timings, they either don’t like you or they like you a little bit too much.

Two months: Meeting the friends

Which is early enough to jump ship if they end up being weird or bitchy or porcelain dolls immaculately dressed in human clothing.

Three months: Not wearing makeup

Which seems like ages tbh. I stopped wearing makeup after the second date!!!

Three months: Quitting the gym and ditching the diet

You have them trapped in your greasy grip now, and no amount of letting yourself go will allow them to escape.

Three months: Meeting the parents

If you haven’t met their parents by this point, it probably means they are deeply and obstinately ashamed of you.

Four months: Stopping shaving

This apparently applies to both women and men, so we assume the former refers to legs and armpits and the latter refers to a polite bit of manscaping.

Unless, of course, from the four month mark onwards your boyfriend will be cultivating an untamed Gandalf-like beard for the rest of your many years together. Everyone shows their romance in different ways, after all.

Five months: Farting in front of each other

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

Six months: Giving up your Netflix password

But what if she watches House of Cards without me?

Seven months: Giving up your phone and laptop passwords

This seems like bullshit, because no couple have ever gone a sane seven months darting back and forth across the room every time a song needs changing or a text from mom needs answering.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE??

Eight months: Giving up your social media passwords

I don’t care if you have my Facebook login babe, I conduct all my affairs on eHarmony™!

Eight months: Giving up your email password

Unless you’re Donald Trump Jr, it seems weird to leave it eight and a half months until you finally allow your partner to sift through your emails.

Trust me darling, I have nothing to hide in my inbox. You can take my Snapchat password from my cold dead hands, though.

Nine months: Giving up your online banking details

Which is fair enough, because if you’re not sure by the nine month point whether your boyfriend is an elaborate phishing scam or not then you probably deserve to have all of your money stolen.

One and a half years: Moving in together

Do I get to keep my Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice bedsheets?

Two years: Opening a joint bank account

They’ve been slowly siphoning funds out of your personal account since the nine month mark anyway, so you might as well make their financial dependence on you official.

Two years: Getting a pet together

Which, let’s be honest, is the only reason you entered into a relationship in the first place.

Two and a half years: Buying a house together

Hahahahahahahahaha. In 2017! Give it another 25 and we’ll talk.

Two and a half years: Having a baby

What the fuck???

---

This story originally appeared on The Tab UK

@thebobpalmer