There’s two types of people on this Earth: Those who like Moe’s and those who like Chipotle

Our whole lives we’re told we’re unique. But by the time we have blossomed into adulthood, we know that’s just not true. There is, in fact, only two types of people who walk this Earth: those who prefer Moe’s and those who prefer Chipotle.

Most of us cringe when we hear a friend even mention the other quickly-prepared, moderately-warm Mexican food. We want to vomit when a co-worker dares bring the stench of that other place into the office. And we will legitimately break up with someone because they suggested the wrong cuisine for a quick after-sex meal.

Admit it, you’ve fought with your homies about what burrito is better. There’s really no shame in that. This debate has torn friends apart for ages.

If you like Moe’s, its probably because of the queso and free chips

In your mind, Chipotle lovers simply do not understand the value of free food because they’re stuck-up binches. And you hate that. How dare they pay so much fucking money for a side of guac?

You also casually bring up the Coca-Cola super fountain in your Moe’s versus Chipotle debates

You can’t get Jesus’ favorite drink – Cherry Vanilla Coke – at the local Chipotle. Also, Moe’s has never sparked an E. Coli outbreak in the nation’s urban metropolises. Chipotle truly cannot say the same.

Last but not least, Moe’s has a free birthday burrito because they care about their customers

They even say “Welcome to Moe’s!” every time you walk in. Chipotle still makes you sit on metal bar stools, because they have no humanity.

But if you like Chipotle, you have strong counterpoints for all these arguments

And since the E. Coli fiasco in Boston, you’re pretty damn seasoned in arguing for your favorite moderately-healthy, kinda-fast-food option.

Chipotle fans know all the food is non-GMO and locally grown

It’s also often organic, so there’s that. I’m pretty sure Moe’s is so preserved the chemicals can give you cancer.

Chipotle just feels fresher and the slight lime taste – in their food and on their chips – makes it five million times better than Moe’s

Also, have you ever tasted the guac there? You can literally taste the avocado being freshly picked from its organic garden. So worth the $3 or whatever.

Also, Chipotle is just a cultural phenomenon

I’ve never seen a joke about the food Moe’s serves on a shirt.

Now we all know the path to peace is the complete destruction of one of these food chains. Forget spending billions of dollars on drones, let’s buy out Big Burrito. Then the Earth will truly be free.