A very scientific ranking of Game of Thrones guys based on how likely they are to be total fuckboys


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A very scientific ranking of Game of Thrones guys based on how likely they are to be total fuckboys

Winter is coming and so are you

In Game of Thrones, people get burned at the stake, blown up, flayed, castrated and their eyes popped in by a giant dude’s thumbs. But maybe the worst crime committed in the entire television series is how awful basically every hot guy would be to date.

Like, Jon Snow strangle me with your curls now, because you would definitely be the type to fuck me in an igloo then leave me on read even though I know you saw my message.

Sure, they’re shitty in the show, but can you even imagine if the Westerosis could text “hey u up?” at 2 a.m.?

Here’s what the hottest GoT guys would be like as fuckboys:

Jaime Lannister

Jaime Lannister is the textbook definition fuckboy, about whom thousands of sad journal entries have been written by girls he doesn’t know exist. He’s pretty and rich and he knows it. He’s the student athlete who probably peaked in college but still tweets out inspirational quotes about how there are “no days off” along with a string of emojis and a totally unrelated Bible verse.

His Instagram — when he bothers to update it — is filled with #gymgrind and #mealprep pics and weirdly-angled shots of his car. It is pretty nice, though. He’s the type to send the same mirror selfie with the caption “what’s up? :]” to every girl on his Snap list. He has 100 best friends on Snapchat, and they’re all named Ashley.

And because you hate yourself (but love thicc dicc), you answer him. But we all really can’t blame you — Jaime was hot even after he lost his hand despite the fact that the gold one he insists on lugging around gets like, really cold. The local news insisted on covering it, though, because’s he’s such an inspiration. All that hardship, you know? But beware. Jaime is definitely more than sort of into orgies at brothels and would cheat on you (with his sister) in a minute.

Ramsey Bolton

Ramsey Bolton is the type of fuckboy who is really ~deep~ at first glance. Like, there are so many books on his shelf. Right there, next to all the…swords?

He exhibits weird behavior, but you convince yourself he’s simply misunderstood. Just like Jack Skellington, which is emblazoned on everything he owns despite the fact that (no matter what he insists) My Chemical Romance is never ever getting back together and no one’s been to a Hot Topic since the first Bush administration.

Then you realize he is actually a psychopath. Torture porn isn’t just a recently-coined sub-genre for the Saw series when you’re hanging out with him.

He’s the type of guy who likes to see what kind of fucked up shit he can do to you without you leaving him. There is a  10/10 chance he is fucking someone else, probably in some castle dungeon-themed sex party he found on Craigslist. Proceed with caution, because Ramsey not only will break your heart but he probably won’t listen to your safe word and thinks peeing on you is “funny.” Honestly, you’re probably just staying for his dogs.

Jon Snow

Jon Snow definitely doesn’t consider himself a fuckboy. But he is — he’s just a softboy. You know, like Drake.

But watching him fucking shatter Ygritte’s heart then have the audacity to hold her as she died proves to us that no matter how many Mac DeMarco-filled playlists he makes for us, he will always be an asshole.

Jon is the “bros over hoes” type of guy. You know, the one who will make fun of you in front of his friends because you don’t know about IPA brands or who the Red Sox’s pitcher is. Or what sport the Red Sox are. Whatever. The point is, Jon’s the type of guy who will say he loves you but in reality, he just wanted to fuck. In a cave. We all know what I’m talking about. In the end, you will never be able to figure him out, probably because he hasn’t figured himself out. He’s got so many hangups and daddy issues, he’s closed off and freaks out the second he starts to get vulnerable.

He still seems like a good guy after he leaves, which makes him the hardest to lose. You know nothing (about) Jon Snow, and you never will.

Khal Drogo

Khal Drogo is a traditional, horse meat and potatoes kind of guy who doesn’t mean to be a misogynistic asshole, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t one. But he’s a benevolent misogynist, so he won’t cheat on you or anything. He’ll just keep telling you “men are physically stronger, it’s just science” and stuff, which will piss you off but admittedly it is nice to have someone open jars, protect you from armed assassins on horseback, etc.

Drogo is the type to get you pregnant on accident because he thinks condoms are a corporate scam to keep us from reveling in human contact plus they don’t feel as good so chill out, OK? He’s definitely the guy who’s into weird, “deep” mysticism stuff like healing stones, calling himself a pantheist, and listening to Dark Side of the Moon while high on shitty local reggie as if that’s not the most cliché thing ever.

If he does leave you, it’s for that hot bitch with intricate yet shittily-executed hand tattoos and leather necklaces who’s always around at basement indie shows. You know the one.

Jorah Mormont

Jorah is the guy who lowkey starts off with hot daddy vibes, but you instantly start to hate him because he’s painfully nice. And not actually nice, either — fake nice. You know the “nice guy” who insists he has a lifetime access pass to your vagina because he’s treated you like a human before.

He totally thinks the friend-zone actually exists (and something he can White Knight his way out of), complains that girls always go for “the assholes” and never give “nice guys like him a chance” and probably cries while wistfully commenting “lucky guy!” on a picture of you with your actual boyfriend.

If you do end up actually dating him and he somehow manages to end things first (yeah right), Jorah’s the type of guy to break up with you because its “the right thing to do” because you’re just too fragile and pure for him to “corrupt.” Seriously, he has the worst White Boy problems ever and probably some kind of self-diagnosed anxiety disorder — and will talk endlessly to you about both.

Then, he’ll stalk you and cry on your doorstep to “win his girl back.” Go away, Jorah! All together now: #goawayjorah

Robb Stark

Robb is one million times purer than his brother, a true sunflower too pure for this world. And I don’t mean that in a Tumblr way, I mean that in a he’s-dead-and-literally-no-longer-in-this-world-way. Like he literally marries a girl after just meeting her — proof he will NOT fuck you over. But he might be a little clingy. He was super popular in high school, but also really nice. He was like, the first jock at your school to stop saying “that’s so gay” as a pejorative.

He’s not a fuckboy, but he’s so hot we had to include him. Rest in pieces, Robb.