IRL • Jul 14 2017

Whatever you do, don’t let your ex ‘double-dutch’ you this weekend

Actually, all things with ‘dutch’ in the title are PROHIBITED

by Amanda Ross

If you do an Urban Dictionary search for the term “double-dutch,” you will get three very different definitions.

The first is straightforward, the original meaning:

The second is a great method for preventing pregnancy, and all of you should do it:

The third is…something else:

Swinging dicks are great and all, but it’s not what I mean.

Double-dutching is something new, something heinous, and something you’ve definitely experienced before.

First coined by Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’s Titus Andromedon, baby slut and star on the rise, double-dutching is the most sinister thing an ex can pull. You know in a game of double-dutch how you kind of have to sit there and rock back and forth on your heels, waiting for the exact right moment to jump into the ropes? Yeah, that’s what your ex is probably doing to your social media right now. In a dating sense, double-dutching is watching from afar and biding your time before unexpectedly jumping back into someone’s life and, inevitably, fucking it up.

You know how right when things start going great and you’re about to start dating again, you get that “Hey, watched that movie last week and thought of you :)” text from the person saved in your phone as DO NOT ANSWER!!!!! Bitch, you’re gonna answer. Because you just got double-ducthed.

Lauren Conrad famously called it “some kind of radar” but I think it’s far more calculated than that.

It’s not a radar because they’re still watching. You’re uploading party pictures to your Insta, pedicured toes in the sand on your Snap story, topical memes to your Twitter — they see it, they know what kind of state you’re in, and they’re ready to pounce.

The best times to double-dutch are polar opposites: either when things are going so well that you can’t fathom anything fucking it up, or when your life is in a vortex of shit-sucking torture and alcohol-related bloating. That’s when you’re emotionally vulnerable to asshole you once made playlists to cry to featuring Snow Patrol. SNOW PATROL, YOU GUYS. Break the cycle.

Never again.

The rules of 2019 have already been decided and there’s nothing we can do about it

People are already mad

by Caroline Phinney

I feel kind of bad for 2019 because people are already mad at it and it hasn't even started. It's like when you get with someone following a breakup and you're already assuming they're cheating on and lying to you, because why would anyone ever be genuine? How can you blame us though? Even if…

An Instagram influencer told us how to travel the world for free (or at least cheap AF)

Fine, I’m the Instagram influencer

by Nian Hu

So everyone's always asking me how I'm able to afford all of my many, many glamorous vacations to exotic destinations like Thailand and Greece. The answer, of course, is that I'm chronically broke and I literally wear the same three shirts over and over again. Now there's a solid money-saving hack! But another part of…

‘Inhumane and depressing’: Skoop describes the worst prison lockdown she’s ever experienced

‘They will fuck your whole cell up’

by Skoop Hernandez

Skoop is babe.net’s prison correspondent. She’s currently incarcerated in SCI-Muncy, a maximum security women’s prison in Pennsylvania. She loves flirting, cooking and trap music. She’s also a writer and she sends her columns to us by letter. Her nickname, as she likes to say, is Skoop because she scoops up all the girls. She’s here…