Here’s what your obnoxiously oversized pool float of choice says about you
Bummer if it’s the white swan
Was it even summer if you didn’t get an Insta next to a body of water with a luxurious pool float?
It started with a simple swan and now they make them for just about anything. Your pool float is an extension of your personality, so what does your choice of float say about you!?
People don’t even really like you, but they still invite you to their wedding. You’re the first one people text to see what you’re wearing out. You don’t try, and that’s what makes you cool. You are the scene. You’re infamous. It’s like the story of the ugly duckling that grows up and turns into a beautiful swan that everyone wants to be around, except you’ve always been cute. You didn’t ask for this privilege. You just use it.
Summer plans: Montauk, fucking duh.
Summer look: Mara Hoffman swimsuits and one of those cute straw mini bags, rosé always in hand or in bag, probs both.
You are the rosé of pool floats. Summer is your fucking season. The Canada Goose comes off and all of a sudden you’ve got a hookup you really like (who happens to have central air), work friends that are so fun (with rooftop pool access) and old friends you just adore (who also have summer homes on the Cape). We’ll miss you come fall.
Summer plans: You’ve waited all year for this season, and you only have one weekend you don’t actually have plans – you’re either at the beach, a rooftop pool or being a bridesmaid.
Summer look: Really fucking tan. Prints. Like you love prints…fruit prints, palm tree prints, pineapple prints…you could wear any of your looks to a Jimmy Buffet concert, but sometimes you put on tassel earrings to class it up.
You brought an entire suitcase of glitter tribal tats to Coachella, 13 floppy hats and seven pairs of heels. You do too much, but usually in a good way. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, but if you did any less you wouldn’t be you. You’re a fucking unicorn, one in a million. You’re the only one who deserves to have their own reality show.
Summer plans: Spending half your weekends in Bushwick because you’re alternative too, you know? The other half of your weekends are at some location by water, maybe a lake, down the shore or out east – you’re not picky because wherever you go is magical.
Summer look: Mermaid hair and rainbow mirrored sunnies.
A fruit of any kind
You’re hot, you’re rich, and you brighten up any situation because you’re hot and rich. You’re like the lime in my corona, the strawberry in my spritzer, the pineapple in my pina colada (if pina coladas didn’t have 1,000 calories and I actually drank them). You’re nice and predictable, and even though you’re not that interesting, you’re crucial for the overall look of the group.
Summer plans: Going to white tie weddings.
Summer look: You call your style BoHo chic. You live in flowy dresses and own more bralettes than hair ties. You call yourself a hippie, but the closest you ever came to going to a music festival was buying a ticket to Fyre. You’re a free spirit in that you don’t need to worry about money, because your dad is loaded. He invented the Frisbee or something.
Donut, pizza, ice cream cone or anything else you would never actually eat
You probably consider yourself a guy’s girl, and you always talk about how much fun you and the guys had in the intramural kickball league no one else wanted to sign up for. You claim to hate drama and just “get along better with guys,” but for someone who says they hate drama, you tend to really thrive in it.
Summer plans: Planning a group camping trip everyone will back out of last minute.
Summer look: Wearing a baseball cap backwards, cut-off shorts and plain t-shirts with high-top kicks like you’re in a 90s Gap ad. You “woke up like this”, and your tousled beach curls (that you spent an hour on) are just so natural and adorable.
Lobster or crab
It’s Vineyard Vine season and you couldn’t be more excited. You only cried twice this year…when Bernie Sanders lost, and while watching Manchester by the Sea with your mom.
Summer plans: Wearing Lilly Pultizer to the bar and wondering why you can’t get laid.
Summer look: See above.
Right on dude, you like to booze. You’re in your late 20s and still try to get flip cup games going, and people frickin love it. You’re blending margs, listening to Jimmy Buffet at the summer share before noon and people are like, “what, how is this possible? Marg me.” Keeping up with you is exhausting and people often wonder if you’re fine or not, but it’s summer and you’re fun so people overlook it.
Summer plans: Consoling people when their hook up goes bad by being their beer pong partner, them falling in love with you, you being too drunk to notice that you like them too.
Summer look: Funny tees dads wear, like a Big Dogs shirt thats says “In Dog Beers I’ve Only Had 1.” You’ll still tally the most hook ups, somehow.
Oh yeah, that’s right, you took that popsicle float down a slip n’ slide. You love the movie Old School and wear a straw-brimmed beach hat with Ray-Bans. You march to the beat of your own drum, love Nestle Drumsticks and have engaged in a drum circle more than once. People wondered where you were for five hours, then found out you were drumming and were like, ok, that checks out.
Summer plans: Last minute going to Jones Beach to see Dead & Company for the 10th summer. You’re broke and you can’t plan ahead, but that doesn’t stress you out. Nothing does.
Summer look: Birkenstocks. Patagonia shorts. Visors.
WTF. We eat $19 avocado toast. We don’t swim on it.
Summer plans: Getting into pools and asking why everyone got out.
Summer look: White skinny jeans, crop tops and wedges.
Regular pool floatie
Probably wants to control the Spotify too, because you know you’re so chill and laid back and know all the chillest most laid back music. Relax pal, you aren’t above an over the top pool float. Something is trendy for a reason, and it’s ok to indulge in those temptations every once in a while. You know you want to know what the hype is all about.
Summer plans: Being envious of happy people and killing our flirty Instagram vibe.
Summer look: Flip flops that are lame, as in not Rainbows or Havaianas. Probably something Toms, or maybe even sneakers, because you don’t understand what goes on around a body of water.
DO YOU EVEN REALIZE IT’S FUCKING HALLOWEEN ?!
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