A guide to Defining The Relationship because we both know there’s no point in waiting for him to bring it up
by Mared Parry
DTR, Define The Relationship.
When two people discuss their mutual understanding of a romantic relationship (casual dating, serious boyfriend, etc).
Knowing where you stand in a relationship is very important, and having the dreaded ‘what are we?’ chat is a given if you’re hoping it’s going somewhere. Doing it right is an art in itself; the timing, the way it’s worded, the way you deal with it, it’s all so so important to make sure you get the right outcome.
Have an idea in mind
You need to know what you’re after, and how you’re gonna say it. Be straightforward about where you see it going and don’t be scared about looking too demanding; knowing what you want isn’t a bad thing. Besides, the worst outcome is that you realize he isn’t after the same thing, so you can know sooner rather than later if you’re wasting your time. And nobody wants to be wasting their time.
Don’t get too emosh
If from the start of this conversation they start showing red flags that they’re only after something casual – don’t get too caught up in it even if it does make your heart fall into your ass. Just tell them “If that’s what you’re looking for, that’s cool but it’s just not my kinda thing.”
When’s the right time?
Timing is key; do not do this too early. A few weeks is a safe bet, you’ve been on at least 3-4 dates and you’re speaking to each other on a frequent basis. I’ve known girls to initiate ‘the talk’ after a single date, sometimes before they even have a date, and this can come off as very pushy. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know where you stand, but expecting someone to commit completely after a week or so is only gonna scare them off.
Don’t do it over text
It’s a million times easier to ask the question over text, I’m guilty of doing it myself, but the fact of the matter is, this is the kind of thing you need to do in person, as they don’t have anywhere to hide, they’re less likely to mask the truth, and they’re less likely to say something they don’t mean. You can tell on their facial expression if they’re genuine about their feelings and where they want it to go (good or bad) – you don’t get that through a text message and some emojis.
Don’t leave the conversation confused
You went in wanting an answer, if they can’t give you one and they keep palming you off and changing the subject then GIRL. STOP. WASTING. YOUR. TIME. If they are a genuine person they will give you the truth. Maybe they don’t want a full on relationship right now, maybe they do, you just need to make sure they tell you where they are and what they want. If you’re going home even more confused than you were beforehand, they’re clearly just fucking with your head.
It’s not hard to be honest, and if they do find that hard, then why would you wanna be with them? “I’m enjoying having fun/I like where we are right now” typically means they’re happy staying in this weird “are we/aren’t we” relationship limbo and THAT IS NOT WHAT U CAME HERE TO DO.
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