How to actually have good phone sex without sounding like you’re in some sleazy commercial

Sometimes I like to imagine myself in a Jane Austen-era romance, waiting patiently in the pouring rain to receive a hand-written love letter by horseback. My beloved would live an unthinkable distance away (probably like 12 miles) and we’d have nothing more than these monthly notes to keep our love aflame.

He’d say super hot, explicit things like, “my affections for you are unyielding” and completely satisfy my 1800s sexual cravings.
But let’s be real, I’d miss the shit out of texting on a whim and obsessively checking my crush’s Snapchat story each weekend to see what they’re up to. Also, like, electricity.

Long distance can be tough on a romantic relationship, even in modern times. If you’re reading this, you might be wondering how to keep the spark going when you’re away from your long-distance boo. Or maybe you’re just horny af and feel like calling up your crush.
While it may seem intimidating at first, phone sex — with the occasional video call, obvi — is a super fun, sensual way to connect with your partner. As someone with a fair share of long-distance romancing, allow me to be your phone fuck sensei.

Find your light

Setting the scene isn’t just about hiding that pile of dirty laundry overtaking your bed — it’s about getting you in the mood. For instance, stripping naked under fluorescent lights leaves most people looking like a washed out sea lion with eye bags, which doesn’t feel so sexy. You can soften up for some phone sex in lots of ways. Try some candles, toss on a sexy playlist, and basically recreate how you’d want the room if your partner was there. Also, why not wear something you feel great in? Peeling off your High School honors society t-shirt probably doesn’t really capture your inner “vixen.” But I guess if it does, praise those straight As, you fox.

FaceTime is for amateurs

You know how we all take our selfies with the Snapchat cam because it consistently, dependably — nay — irrefutably makes each of us look hotter? Well, while Facebook chat or FaceTime might seem like the obvious channels for your sexcapades, Snapchat is really THE go-to. It’s like the Hula bronzer of phone sex: guaranteed to make anyone look great, no matter your experience level. And the mirror-image front-cam isn’t Snapchat’s only gift. If you’re looking to hide sleepy eyes or smeared makeup, just slap on your favorite filter like the stealthy bitch you are.

Revel in the seduction

The only rush you’ll feel from a quickie over the phone is the hurried hang up time. Foreplay is pretty much essential to “get into it” when you aren’t able to touch one another. It’ll turn you both on, and make the whole experience way more comfortable. Spend time exchanging flirty pics and texts before you hop on camera, and even start touching yourself or removing some clothing during this early foreplay phase. You’ll be relaxed and totally in the mood by the time you’re looking at each other’s faces — and other parts.

Dirty talk is easier than it seems

I have quite literally found myself in the middle of sex thinking, “goddamnit WHAT are synonyms for ‘vagina’?!” It can be stressful trying to come up with dirty talk that doesn’t leave you sounding like a trip to the gyno, or worse yet, like you’ve word for word transcribed an upload off PornHub. The best approach is to simply describe exactly what you’re doing to yourself, and what you’d like them to do to you. Painting the picture is a total turn on, and it doesn’t require any fancy wordplay or aggressive innuendo. Also, take the opportunity to respond! If something they said turns you on, or if you’re starting to get off, give some verbal feedback! Just hearing you moan and watching your face as you cum will drive them insane.

This is your moment

That being said, the beauty of phone sex is that it’s essentially really awesome, personalized masturbation. As it’s all verbal and visual, it’s an incredibly communicative experience between you and your partner. Since you won’t want to talk over each other, phone sex should lead to really great back and forth as you take turns placing the focus on one another. This is a great opportunity to share and demonstrate to your partner exactly what you like in bed, and also learn about their desires. Most importantly, phone sex can be whatever you want it to be. After all, confidence is sexy, and you should only do as much as you’re comfortable with.
Now slap on those puppy filters and go make some phone calls, you dirty babes.