The women of Game of Thrones reimagined as 21st century hoes
Cersei Lannister is kinky af
by Serena Smith
How to sum up Game of Thrones in two words? Violence and sex.
And while all the sex stuff is usually – but not always, to be fair to the producers – male-orientated, the women of Game of Thrones would doubtless make great, empowered hoes in their own right.
The quiet hoe
Just look at those puppy dog eyes and that disarming smile. Innocent, you say? Think again, because Daenerys is just like your shy friend who coyly sips at her Peach Schnapps and lemonade at something frankly outrageous in never have I ever, before the whole room collectively goes “you did what??????”
Daenerys would be the type to have about a billion nudes in a secret folder on her phone, and you thought she was a virgin. But you’ll still catch her ignoring Jorah’s “can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about you xx” text at 3:12am.
The boss ass bitch, no-nonsense hoe
Sansa’s been hurt. She’s been really hurt – physically and emotionally. And she’s had enough of your shit. Little girl no more, Sansa’s the type to booty call you then delete your number afterwards just because she can. She’ll leave you on read. She’ll fuck your best friend. She’ll break your heart.
Sansa Stark is done getting hurt: now she does the hurting. And best make sure you don’t hurt her, or else she’ll feed you to the dogs. Literally.
The scary hoe
Don’t fuck with Arya or Arya’s friends because she will find you and fucking kill you. While real Arya goes to bed muttering the names of all those who have wronged her, hoe Arya lies awake checking all of her men-who-aren’t-really-her-men’s snap stories. She’ll unashamedly send a chat asking ‘who is this bitch?’ before @ing and outing the bastard on Twitter.
Hurt one of her friends, and if she doesn’t come and stick you with the pointy end, she’ll send you a death threat over Facebook. And don’t think she won’t follow through.
The kinky hoe
BDSM is tame for the likes of Cersei Lannister. Being tied up? Being spanked? Being blindfolded? She’d smirk at your dirtiest exploits and dismiss them all as vanilla. Incest is where ‘kinky’ begins for this blonde bombshell.
Cersei’s the type to have vibrators and dildos galore stashed away under her bed, not to mention the odd pair of handcuffs and whips. You shouldn’t let her make you feel boring, though – I wouldn’t recommend breeding a brood of insane inbreds, personally.
The tactical hoe
Margaery is only going to let you near her if there’s something in it for her. Margaery married three kings for wealth, power, politics. In the real world, you’d catch her rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous. She’d be splashed across National Enquirer front pages, stepping out in the Hamptons hand-in-hand with Jake Gyllenhaal, headline blaring ‘IS THIS JAKE’S LATEST LADY?‘.
But the next day she’d be on a yacht with Harry Styles off the coast of Mykonos. Let’s hope that in the real world Queen Liz wouldn’t blow her up.
The mysterious hoe
You know nothing about her, and neither do the string of people she brings to her room. Devastatingly hot and sort of weirdly fascinating with her incessant talk about ‘The Lord of Light’ – talk about ‘missionary’ sex, ha ha – it’s no wonder she’s able to seduce anyone of her choosing.
Is she kinky? Is she even straight? Does she literally own all of Ann Summers’ red lingerie? Who knows.
The loyal hoe
Ah, Brienne. So pure. She’ll curve every Tinder or Bumble match she gets because she knows there’s only one guy for her: Renly Baratheon. Okay, real-Renly is dead, but if Brienne existed in our fuckboy-ridden world, there’d still be that one guy she was devoted to. She’d like his every Insta post, love react all his profile pictures, tag him in dog memes.
And even if he replied with a half-arsed haha react, she’d still love him. Briennes of the world, we salute you and your devotion to some mediocre fuckboy.
Illustrations by Bobby Palmer
This story was originally published on The Tab Leeds.
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