A definitive ranking of La Croix flavors, with proof that only dumpster-dwelling monsters drink lemon
Pamplemousse or nothing, honestly
La Croix is our Holy Water. It’s our hangover savior. Honestly, the fact that sparkling water out of a can named after a crusty town in Wisconsin is trendy is almost as shocking as a blatantly sexist, racist person being President of the United States. But we’re much more thankful for La Croix than Trump — even if they’re both exceedingly white.
Due to our love for La Croix, we decided to rank all of the relevant flavors based on the desirability of the vibes they put off, from mom-of-three-shopping-at-Target to slap-the-can-out-of-my-hand-and-fuck-me-now.
Passionfruit is the worst of all La Croix flavors. It still wears Victoria’s Secret PINK. I mean, we’re probably just jealous because Passionfruit’s younger and hotter than us, but we all hate to be seen with the flavor mid-tier sorority girls drink to chase their shots of vodka.
Mango just makes you indifferent. You just don’t care about it. To be honest, you probably didn’t even know it existed and your world isn’t any different now that you do.
Orange low-key makes you think of our orange president, which is not fun or flirty :(. The only orange shit that’s cool to drink is a mimosa.
Remember for a hot second in like 2014 when everyone pretended they liked coconut water and then we were all like “What the fuck, I hate this piss liquid”? This will definitely be the case with coconut La Croix. It’s just not very good and it’s weird to pretend you really like it.
Tangerine La Croix is a totally lame rip-off of Orange. But, the can and even the fruit itself is cuter. Sorry, Orange. You’re the ugly sister.
Lemon is vanilla as fuck. This La Croix is exactly like an ugly, lion print Lilly Pulitzer dress. It screams “I’m rich, but I don’t have style. And I’m definitely not going to be having sex with anyone tonight.”
This drink is undeniably classy. But when it comes to carrying around a pure sparkling water, San Pelligrino will always be queen. San Pelligrino screams the Hamptons, Wimbledon, and a goldendoodle. Pure La Croix screams timeshare and a golden retriever. Stick to what you’re good at La Croix and give us flavor. Why would we drink prosecco when we can have champagne?
Let’s be honest, you’re most likely hungover or recently got a UTI if Cran Raspberry is your flavor of choice. Cran Raspberry is the casual sex of La Croix. It’s fun and we’re down, but we’d never introduce it to my parents. It’s a casual drink only — not something we seek out.
People who drink Apricot wear glasses to look cute, not because they need them. But whatever, your Warby Parkers totally hide your hangover eyes at your graphic design job after a wild night talking Twin Peaks at an eccentric. The can is v Instagrammable next to your succulents, so we guess it’s good for something, but it’s still not the best. Kind of like hipsters.
Berry is the Scary Spice of La Croix. Not everyone can pull it off, but those who can pull it off make it work like Miley Cyrus makes riding a hot dog into a concert work. At first you’re like, “What’s happening?” Then suddenly you think, “I am actually very on board with it.” Those people who can pull of Berry impress us, so we had to rate it pretty high.
Lime La Croix is chill. Lime is the girl who spends an hour every morning on those “effortless” beach waves. Kinda lame and predictable, but she’s fine to hang out with. You can’t hate Lime because it definitely tastes good with a sandy beach day and some Jack Johnson. It feels like summer and everyone loves summer, so everyone kind of loves Lime.
Cheers, bitch! If you’re holding a Pamplemousee, you look flirty as hell. This can is obviously the most aesthetically pleasing. But the main thing that keeps it from grabbing first place? It’s not unique. It’s Intro to La Croix. La Croix for Dummies. Fast fashion. It’s definitely only ranked so high because it’s the most hot. Seriously, if you drink Pamplemousse for any reason but modeling for your new Facebook profile picture, you need to play around a little! Get in there, kid. Pamplemousse will be there when you get back!
The obvious top La Croix is Peach Pear. Sex sells, and we’re buying it in the form of a carbonated beverage 24/7. This is literally an orgasm on a can. I get sweaty when I see it. I get dizzy drinking it. Most of all, I feel rich when I hold it. This is the La Croix flavor you marry: the perfect balance between smart and fun. And most important? It’s hot, but you’re still way hotter.
DO YOU EVEN REALIZE IT’S FUCKING HALLOWEEN ?!
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