Come read our grossest, lowest sex moments and judge us in the comments
We clearly don’t love ourselves
by Amanda Ross
Is there anything better and more gleeful than hearing someone else tell an embarrassing story that makes you feel better about all of your own shitty life choices? Alright fine, there are better things but my imagination and capacity for empathy are limited so deal with it.
Embarrassing sex stories are a different animal altogether. Almost everyone has a sexual rock bottom, a story they sheepishly dish out to close friends the next morning in the group text while attempting to wash the cum out of their hair and piece together any remaining semblance of self-worth and dignity. It’s a I-can’t-believe-I-just-did-that fueled by boredom, a breakup, booze, or an occasional lapse in sanity.
OK, here’s mine: Once, I had sex with a guy who had a New York Rangers logo tattooed on his bicep. Oh, and his room just didn’t have a door. Seriously, it looked like it had been ripped from the hinges and he just crudely tacked a Union Jack flag over the frame. He wasn’t even British, for fuck’s sake. He was a huge loser. The worst part? HE didn’t call ME back. I know. I know.
So here they are, a selection of the Babe team’s lowest sexual moments, including a Bonus Jonas from me. Feel free to screenshot, mock us to your friends, or implore us to seek therapy in the comments. At this point, we kind of deserve it.
“In my third year of college, my boyfriend was visiting for the weekend. One night I woke up and he was sobbing. He said there was something he needed to tell me and I thought he was going to break up with me which I was NOT cool with. Instead, he told me he consistently had thoughts about killing people (like when he’s in a cab he thinks about what it would be like to kill the driver), and he had books and books filled with ideas. He then said he hadn’t had thoughts towards me, but “might soon.” We took a two-day break and then I DECIDED TO GET BACK with him?!?? I was more upset by the idea he was going to break up with me first than he was going to murder me?!” –Monique, 23
“One time, I fucked this incredibly weird guy who had just come from hot yoga and did not smell amazing and had a horribly messy room with an expensive but bare mattress on the ground all because he had a fairly big part in a popular HBO series.” –Amanda, 24
“I’ve fucked multiple guys in cars which sounds hot. But what’s not hot is that they were their friends’ cars, not even theirs. It’s a different kind of shame standing next to a guy who needs to ask his friend for the car keys so we could ‘go for a ride'” –Meghan, 24
“I once had sex in the children’s area of the Maritime Aquarium in Connecticut. It was the area where it’s dimmed light with a huge shark tank. We literally fucked up against the glass and sharks watched us. It was the afternoon on a weekday so there weren’t a ton of people around but then I realized there was another room on the other side of the tank so people could probably see us through the tank if they looked closely enough. I made eye contact with a shark while bent over with my face pressed against the glass.” –Britt, 22
“I fucked a super short guy with a horrible dad bod just because he was Irish and I could knock it off my country list.” –Courtney, 21
“Ah yes, I have a series: I once hooked up with a guy in a twin bed in the corner of a living room of a fraternity house. I once hooked up with a guy like two minutes after he ate a Subway sandwich covered in onions. I once hooked up with a guy in a bathroom stall. The bathroom was full of other people. I walked out and someone went, ‘Oh.’ I was going back to hook up with a guy and he didn’t want to muster up the energy to walk all the way back to my room, so we stopped in the middle of a walkway at school and hooked up there.” –Whitney, 20
“Please forgive me. I was going through a messy breakup and went on a tinder date. Guy turned out to be 40, not 28. Fucked him anyway.” — Victoria, 23
“I had sex in a port-a-potty.” –Mary, 22
Shove this in the face of your friends who think they’re better than you for meeting guys in real life
Not so funny anymore
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Don’t play yourself
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If you're reading this it's probably because somewhere deep (or not so deep down), you're already experiencing insecurities over whether or not he likes you. But if you want reassurance that it's time to delete his number and move on, we've got you covered.Because if he does any of these things, he's just not that…