Can someone tell me why and how teens these days are so hot?
It’s completely unfair tbh
Despite your best efforts to repress all memories, you still vividly remember your teenage self: Team Edward, am I right? Yes, you were listening to Owl City’s Fireflies on repeat, catching weekly episodes of Jersey Shore and wearing low-rise skinny jeans that always clung to your calves while simultaneously exposing four inches of your Aerie-thonged ass.
I don’t know if you’ve checked your Instagram feed lately or, say, glanced out a window, but teenagers are all around you, right this very minute, looking cool. No, dare I admit, hawt. Yes, they have the nerve to blend right into the 20-year-old crowd with frightening ease. Call it blasphemy, call it an injustice of humanity, but try not to panic, because I am here to tell you that the teenagers of 2017 are no longer the awkward, metallic-dress-wearing specimens of insecurity that we all were.
They all have Instagrams — and they’re hot as fuck
While Instagram began as just another humble medium to post photos of a night out with friends, it has evolved into a tool to glamorize our lives. Not only that, but it offers direct access to the daily activities of celebrities, and consequently, super cool lifestyle examples you never had while watching TMZ. And I can confirm teenagers haven’t overlooked this amazing opportunity to look glam. While you were busy uploading 46 un-retouched photos to a Facebook album titled, “Gotta get down on Friday!!” today’s teens are editing a carefully curated, DSLR image of themselves on FaceTune before collecting hundreds of Instagram likes. In fact, one of them is probably the owner of an account you follow and admire right now. And while you longingly envy a person who has possessed a driver’s license for less than one year, you think to yourself, “If only this was my life!” This noted teenage idol of yours is likely rocking a designer one-piece swimsuit, probably doing something super low-key and childish, like lounging on a yacht in Ibiza.
Seriously, don’t you have like, algebra homework due?
They have every makeup tutorial they could ever need
Back when you were a teen and finally discovered Sephora, you probably applied your artistic skills to “perfecting” the smoky eye, thinking you’d found nirvana. Your friends sat one-by-one on your Pottery Barn Teen rug, waiting patiently for you to work your neutral-palette magic across their eyelids. You probably didn’t even use primer, you animal.
Teenagers today would scoff at the amateurish sight. Thanks to the infinite supply of online makeup tutorials and the existence of Kylie Jenner, these youths have studied and mastered the craft of makeup. Forget the drugstore foundation and poorly applied eyeliner of yesteryear. Today’s 13+ year olds have sophisticated skills and multi-step makeup routines that can only be described as professional. Yes, they are beat to the gods and constantly sporting the perfect lip. To be honest, you will likely be snatching one of their looks off YouTube this damn weekend.
These teenagers with incredible makeup every day… what time do they get up? And do they know about sleeping until 12 when you're 17?
— Melissa (@Meliperr) July 19, 2017
They don’t need to go to the mall anymore — they can shop from their iPhone
Remember dragging your friends shopping and trying to assemble cool outfits together? “What if I add a tuxedo jacket?” you’d ask, packed together in a single dressing room. Ultimately, the decision would fall on your group’s fashion expert, i.e. the girl who first started buying clothes at Nordstrom.
Teenagers today don’t have time for such a plebeian activity, busy with all their brand deals and music festivals. Instead they have the benefit of fashion accounts and online celebrities everywhere detailing the latest trends. Needless to say, prom has evolved from posing in a straight line with your friends while wearing 4 pounds of crinoline to showing off sexy, thigh waist slits in ass-glorifying poses. Brb gotta go burn my yearbooks.
Teenagers don't go through awkward phases anymore…clothes, music, hobbies. No one suffers thru hot topic & steve aoki https://t.co/j2rz9eDmGa
— deep house pupper (@lexaddleman) July 19, 2017
They don’t even have to wait for 21 to have fun
Your overwhelming shock and confusion is likely due to the fact that teenagers today seem to be living overall cooler lives than we ever did. No longer is the legal drinking age the gateway to an exciting, adventurous life. With the amount of inspiration and information available to perfect your look, travel the world, attend cool events, and participate in so many aspects of society, 2017 teens are undeniably lit as fuck.
And we all love to hate them for it.
When is it OK to start questioning the bullying video that’s gone viral?
At what point should we ask Keaton’s mom what she really wants?
by Harry Shukman
A contender for the most viral video of 2017 emerged yesterday, and everyone from Captain America to your caps-lock loving aunt has shared it by now. It shows a 13-year-old boy called Keaton Jones from Tennessee crying in a car, describing how school bullies have called him names, poured milk in his hair and put…
Allow me to introduce you to colorism, racism’s fucked-up cousin
A whole other ‘ism’ to worry about
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As if we didn’t have enough problems with tax cuts, hair-touching, and student loans. Throw in the idiotic belief that one POC’s skin shade is prettier, nicer and superior to others, and what a world we've got. It's called colorism, and it sucks. Colorism isn't a new concept, and in actuality, it's not even a…
2017 has been so fucking wild, you probably forgot all of this crazy stuff happened this year
There’s… so much
by Katie Way
The year 2017 has been a metaphorical McGangBang — crude, scary, and mostly disgusting. It was the first year of Donald Trump's presidency, the year Old Taylor died, and the year I started drinking coffee if that's interesting to literally anyone else. Basically, a ton of new shit happened and it's impossible to keep track…