Here’s who should have been included in Charli XCX’s dreamy ‘Boys’ video


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Here’s who should have been included in Charli XCX’s dreamy ‘Boys’ video

These were, honestly, cruel omissions

Firstly, a disclaimer: far be it from me to suggest that a work of genius — and that’s what Charli XCX’s latest video is, a work of true genius — can be improved upon by a mere mortal (me).

Like you, other mere mortals in the world, I watched the video for Boys, slack-jawed and awed by the artistry, the creativity, the clever manipulation of the male gaze, the slow-mo shots of Stormzy eating cereal. And then I watched it again. Then I sent it to some friends on Twitter, WhatsApp, Facebook and iMessage. Then I texted a link to my mom.

Then I watched it again.

Since then, like someone who has had the meaning of life to them and been blinded by the beauty of it, I have not been able to stop thinking about the Charli XCX video for Boys. And that level of musing eventually lead me to this destination. Think of it as a fan work rather than a criticism. But like, some of those boys could have been replaced with some other boys for the video Boys.

Here’s who we’d all rather have seen in the greatest cinematic endeavor of our time (Charli XCX’s video for Boys) instead of like, I dunno, human equivalent of vanilla pudding Tom Daley or friend-of-your-dads-who-used-to-be-famous-once Will-I-Am. Boys.

Harry Styles

There are some great injustices in this world, great tragedies. Like the extinction of the West African black rhinoceros, or the failure of Kylie and Tyga’s relationship, or the fact that Harry Styles was not included in the Boys video. It’s an injustice that hasn’t gone unnoticed.

And it’s one that should be rectified.

Justin Trudeau

He was in Rolling Stone but he couldn’t find the time to be in this? Fuckin’ rude.

Casil McArthur

If you’re gonna include any male model in this video, it should be Casil McArthur. Lemme tell you about Casil McArthur: Casil McArthur started modeling aged 10, but as an adult, after transitioned, continued modeling as a man, bringing serious diversity and tbh, balls to an industry where diversity is hard to come by in a sea of razor sharp cheekbones and hollow eyes. Plus, he just looks great.

young and tired. ??? #ModelsOfSoul #whitehair #transpride

A post shared by Casil McArthur (@dreads_of_a_mink) on

Pete Doherty

I cannot understand — and I’ve thought about this a lot, like in the shower and when I’m supposed to be working — why you would choose to put Carl Barat, the less interesting half of The Libertines (potentially the greatest band of our time) in the Charli XCX Boys video, and not Pete Doherty. She’s chosen Garfunkel instead of Simon, Thin Mints instead of Tag-a-Longs (both these examples are correctly ranked, don’t @ me).

She could have had Pete Doherty, with his sad, doleful ‘I used to love Kate Moss’ eyes, with his neck tattoos and his troubles that I could just fix if he would let me fix him. 

She made a mistake.

Adore Delano

Adore Delano looks good as a boy. Adore Delano looks good as a girl. Adore Delano is a genderbent vision of beauty and I can only comfort myself against the horror of her absence in this video because presumably she was busy making her own absolute summer bop (or being cast in All Stars 3).

Jeremy Corbyn

Who better to be in a video about boys than the absolute boy?

Donald Glover

I would watch Donald Glover in any medium. I firmly believe they should bring Community back but have Donald Glover pay all of the characters until the end of time.

Troy McClure

You know, Troy McClure! You may remember him from such shows as The Simpsons. Troy McClure should be in the video for three main reasons: of all the residents of Springfield he has the best video experience and stage presence, he looks great in a musical number with a ripped costume, and his name also rhymes with “boys” which means thanks to this meme, I can’t stop thinking about him being in this video.

Young Joe Biden

If I had the money and technology, I would invent time travel purely to put young Joe Biden in the Charli XCX Boys video.

Hot Felon

OK, you can have two male models.

Cole Sprouse

Because in case you haven’t noticed, he’s weird. He’s a weirdo. He doesn’t fit in. And he doesn’t want to fit in. Have you ever seen him without thinking, “Wow, that guy would be great in the Charli XCX video for boys?” That’s weird.

That One Nephew of Hillary Clinton

Y’all could have had this guy regularly hanging around the White House getting in all kind of official business but you failed and now not only does he not get to grace the White House or the videos of pop genius Charli XCX, we all have to put up with having Eric Trump’s always-halfway-through-a-fucking-sneeze face.

Thanks America.

Casper When He’s A Real Human Boy

You look me in the eye and tell me that when Casper became a real human, leaned into Christina Ricci and whispered “can I keep you” you weren’t fucked up. See, you can’t do it. So like, that scene, but with a pink background and a Charli XCX soundtrack.

Marcel From Love Island

Marcel from Love Island was truly the only good thing about Love Island. He should have won and then immediately launched into a Blazin’ Squad reunion tour, stopping only to appear in this video.

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Because he could do the thing where he pours the beers over himself but Charli XCX, in her cinematic wisdom, could do it real sexily in slow motion and it would look great. Better than Tom Daley in that shower scene at least.

Justin Bobby

The 00s, if you haven’t heard, are officially back. That means we should celebrate all aspects of 00s culture, including the decade’s most eligible bachelor: Justin Bobby.

Anthony Scaramucci

Well he’s not busy, is he.

Other than that, yeah, perf.