DO YOU EVEN REALIZE IT’S FUCKING HALLOWEEN ?!

Shut up. Yes, you. Shut your mouth and listen to me. Did it even occur to you that while you were going about your ordinary life this week, it became Halloween? Do you realize that we are, right now at this moment in time, living within Halloween?

So it’s August. To some, it’s still summer. These…people continue about their daily routine of wearing short-sleeved shirts and turning on their air conditioners and like going to the beach or yachting or whatever Summertime Folks are into. And it’s not that I think people who like summer over fall are bad. It’s just that I think they’re literally subhuman monsters who should all be eradicated from the human race. It’s fine. Whatever. Freedom of speech.

But seriously, it’s fall. Because if you think about it, we’re in the middle of August. Next month is September which is legitimately autumn. So fall is like tomorrow and fall is Halloween. You know what, don’t question my logic. Just go with it.

Because Halloween is the most magical time of year. It makes Christmas look like Arbor Day, for fuck’s sake.

It’s the time of year when your pumpkin can dress like a total slut and no other pumpkin can say anything about it.

When I walk outside, I can feel the hint of a spooky breeze caressing my cheek. I can smell the warm, inviting aroma of assorted pumpkin byproducts and a wool scarf with a hint of perfume left on it. I can see the neon blue throw-up in my mouth that will inevitably cover my entire Slutty Hamburger costume the morning of November 1st. I can taste the Plan B I will dry-swallow after hooking up with some loser dressed as like…Scaramucci or something equally as no-longer-entirely topical.

It’s magic.

So delete losers from your phone who say it’s “too early to be excited about Halloween so stop hiding toy spiders in my thermos, asking you to be my girlfriend was the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.