Concept: Bran Stark is a goth fuckboy

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Concept: Bran Stark is a goth fuckboy

Lil shit

For many long, hard and lonely years, I maintained the facade that I was one of those people who did not care about Game of Thrones.

Like, obviously you can watch Game of Thrones. But if you’re someone who gets emotionally attached to it, one of those losers who screams at the TV and sits hunched over your phone crafting strained, “witty” tweets about your favorite characters and why “actually, Sansa isn’t a boring hag”, then you’re taking it too far.

But I am giving up that facade because the most recent season has taken all of my emotional energy and I don’t even care.

There are obviously a lot of things to like about it, like Daenerys finally fucking shit up and the convenient disappearance of Ellaria and her family, the most annoying characters of all time. Oh, and Winterfell’s Stark kids reunion making everyone realize that contrary to popular opinion, Sansa is actually not the worst of them.

You know who is? Bran. Bran is the absolute worst.

In between dragon fights and Olenna’s triumphant death and people being miraculously cured of greyscale, there’s Bran. By episode four I’m fully operating under the conspiracy theory that Bran existence is only to serve to remind us that times can be bad. It’s a small punishment from the writers of Game of Thrones to make up for all the treats.

Bran’s existence is only to show us that even in fantasy worlds, even in medieval times, fuckboys existed.

Coming back as the three-eyed raven last week, Bran could have had a truly glorious return. He could have done something actually useful like, idk, predict who would win the war, send a raven to Jon Snow to let him know he’s home safe and sound. Or, even better, he could tell Sansa some important information! Like, Littlefinger — the creepy, suddenly aggressively Irish man who’s trying to marry you — killed your dad! The White Walkers are coming to kill us all! Jon is really a Targaryen!

But instead he chose: “You looked beautiful and pretty on the night you were raped, I know because I watched it!”

And it’s not just Sansa either. Spare a thought for Meera Reed, quietly struggling on against the snow and bullshit to save Bran’s life, the true MVP of the north, who when she finally decided she’d done enough to help Bran, got a quick “thnx babe.”

Meera Reed who literally stayed in a fucking cave for years just to help Bran, was bluntly told she wasn’t needed anymore. Honestly, the modern equivalent of their goodbye would be a 3 a.m. text when you say you’re sleepy and aren’t coming over for the fifth time this week that simply says “k”.

If Bran Stark was a modern man, currently he’d be the equivalent of every eco-fuckboy in your Lit tutorial who reads Burroughs and has Poe tattooed on his skinny ribcage (“um, ever heard of the raven, babe?”)

If Bran Stark was a modern man, right now he’d be smoking a clove cigarette in bed, staring at the ceiling in silence, his Smiths record playing in the background until you leave. If Bran Stark was a modern man, he’d stop you from wearing his Cure t-shirt to the bathroom in the middle of the night because it’s too precious to him.

Bran Stark is a teenage goth fuckboy and I have approximately zero time for it.

‘Don’t tell me I can’t play Rammstein in my quarters Sansa you fucking bish you don’t know my struggle’

And look, maybe it doesn’t really matter about Meera Reed, a character who was essentially room meat to be hastily disposed of before the main action of the ending starts. Maybe it doesn’t really matter about Sansa, who met her wizard and assassin siblings with the totally equally exciting skill of making nice dresses once a season.

But he could have helped Arya. Poor, lovely Arya, who has gone through hell getting back to Winterfell only to receive a lackluster welcome from least favorite siblings, Sansa and Bran. She probably expected a party. An emotional reunion with Jon maybe, but at the very least a lil party.

But instead, she got Bran’s leftover present because he just “didn’t want it” before he baited her out over her list to Sansa. Cheers Bran. Great. Brilliant.

‘Wahhhh I see things you wouldn’t understand. I nearly diiiiiieeeeed. I can’t waaaaaaaalk’

While most of the characters of Game of Thrones have spent the past seven seasons on epic emotional, mental, physical journeys, gaining depth of character or being brutally slain on their journey to enlightenment, Bran’s gone on a tangent, returning as a goth, eye-rolling, fuckboy side-note to the main plot. At this point, whether he can see the future and past or not, I would feel literally nothing if Bran was killed off.

Hodor didn’t die for this, you ungrateful lil fuck.

@rosielanners

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