Sex-proof meals to eat on a date because we both know you’re going to bang him later

Why is it that whenever we have no plans and nothing exciting happening we can eat three pounds of nachos and feel no effect, but the moment you've got a hot date even one bite of phad-thai sends you running to the bathroom?

It's what I like to call the "Sex Paradox" which states anything that can go wrong when sex is anticipated will, but when sex is unexpected, it goes right. Aka — every time you shave your vagina for a date it ends up being a bust, but that one time you go out like a bush lady you end up going home with the man of your dreams.

The Sex Paradox can be avoided, however, especially when you're not only DTF, but DTSN (down to sixty nine). All you have to do is take the necessary precautions and by that I mean avoid any and all foods that will cause you to shit your brains out an hour after you eat them.

Stop whining, stop worrying — these foods will help you escape the Sex Paradox and lead to the incredible night of 69ing you deserve.

Poached Egg with Avocado Toast

Who doesn’t love avocado toast? Sociopaths, that's who. Not only is it quick and delicious but there is no way this meal will send you screaming for the bathroom before he even gets a lick in. Plus, it won’t give you that gross, bloated feeling you sometimes get after eating too much. Avo toast for the win. Pair it with a delicious Sauvignon Blanc because I said so.

Linguini Shrimp Scampi

You guys can totally recreate that Lady & the Tramp scene but instead of a meatball, you can push a shrimp toward each other. OK, so there’s a touch of garlic in this one but do you know what kinds of foods don’t have garlic? Boring ones. You can simply do a quick mouthwash pre-sex and be on your way. Pair it with Pinot Grigio or else.

Lemon Herb Chicken Thighs

A bit sexy, a bit impressive — these sophisticated chicken thighs will melt in your mouth and most importantly, not cause any distress to your bowels. Plus, your partner might be so impressed they skip the 69ing and just chow down on your for an hour. Fingers crossed! Pair it with Chardonnay to be sophisticated AF when eating this dish.

Greek Chicken Tacos

Okay, so there’s technically feta cheese in this BUT it’s not like you’re stuffing your face with a half a pound of feta. Just a few crumbles should be fine but again, if you know you react negatively with lactose, leave the feta out of it. Pair with a Pinot Noir or a Pinot Grigio — totally your call.

Mandarin Pasta Spinach Salad

If you still want something light that doesn’t lack flavor, this salad is the perfect treat to make. A bit tangy, a bit sweet. And the best part — you definitely won’t need to worry about any bowel movements ruining your night. Pair with Merlot and have at it.

If you’re a shit cook and really, truly have to order out just make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. Foods may seem harmless but 40 minutes into a sesame chicken meal might turn your blow job into a bathroom run. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

@jenniferficarra