The definitive ranking of rom-com boyfriends by asshole-ness

Admittedly it’s creepy, but most kids — don’t pretend this is not true — experience sexual awakening through fictional characters.

It could be teenage Simba, it could be the cute boy with curtains in Casper that asks if he can keep Christina Ricci, but it happened.

And it’s unfortunate that collectively, we get our romantic and sexual awakening like this. Not because it’s unnatural or weird or embarrassing — it’s not, right? — but because they are invariably, pretty awful.

The question is, who is the absolute worst of the worst? Let’s find out.

Zack Siler, She’s All That

I love She’s All That, but I want to suggest an amendment. You know the part where Laney Boggs finds out she’s been made a complete fool of and she tearfully shouts, “Am I a fucking bet?!” at Freddie Prinze, Jr. and he tearfully says “Yes”?

Just end the film there. That’s where it ends. End of film.

Instead she gets back with him at the end I cannot fathom why ’til this day.

 

Harry, Love Actually

You watch Love Actually every year, you settle down in the cold bleak midwinter with a full thing of Pringles and a duvet and you expect to enjoy it. And every year your enjoyment is spoiled when you remember Harry — fuuucking Harry — who cheated on his lovely Emma Thompson wife and who also has unforgivably shit taste in trashy jewelry.

Karl, Love Actually

THE DEVIL. BEAUTIFUL IMPATIENT DEVIL.

Tom Hansen, 500 Days of Summer

Poster child for not knowing when a girl is just not into you.

Austin Ames, A Cinderella Story

Pictured: Some idiot and Sam Montgomery (clearly visible)

Austin Ames’ main crime is not that he is a coward who allows Sam to be humiliated at the pep rally (although yeah, that’s up there). No, Austin Ames’ main crime is that he does not recognize Sam at the Cinderella ball even though her costume is a tiny mask that’s about 2-inches wide and he sees her literally every day at the diner. You got into Princeton, Austin? You’re fuckin’ dumb.

Romeo, Romeo and Juliet

Went out with a 13 year old for like, two weeks, got invested enough to kill himself over her. Romeo, the definitely-a-Scorpio fuckboy of ye olde times, is not necessarily an asshole for these actions. But like Austin Ames, he isn’t the smartest.

Josh, Clueless

Nope, he is perfect. He can do no wrong.

Nate, The Devil Wears Prada

Of all the fictional men on this list, Nate from the Devil Wears Prada is definitively the worst. Nate is the Harry Potter of film. He’s the Dan Humphrey of film. These comparisons are not to illustrate he’s a well known male character — it’s to illustrate he’s an asshole.

From constantly pressuring Andi to quit her job to complaining that he hates her beautiful new clothes and sulking like a tiny infant baby when she was late to his birthday party, it’s obvious that the true villain of The Devil Wears Prada is not the iconic florals-hating Miranda Priestley. Because Nate is *extremely Jean-Ralphio voice* the wooooooooooooorst.

 

Paolo, The Lizzie McGuire Movie

FUCK PAOLO.

Cliff Pantone, Bring It On

Any guy who makes you a mixtape and then sulkily walks away from you after giving you it does not a nice man make. Hot, though.

Patrick Verona, 10 Things I Hate About You

Got paid to take Kat — amazing taste in music, fiesty, smart Kat — out. Tried to repair this major dick move by buying her a Fender Strat. Has bad hair. Is a fool.

Sebastian, La La Land

Here is the correct way to respond when the person you’re dating says they don’t like Jazz: “Oh, ok. I personally enjoy it but I understand we have different opinions on music and I respect your personal tasts. Another drink?”

Here is how Sebastian from La La Land responded when the person he was dating told him she did not like jazz: “uHh I’m EmMa StOnE I dOnT lIkE JaZz! You’re an idiot and a fool and clearly a silly woman who does not appreciate real music like me, a tortured musician. Let me spend the next like, two hours of film ramming jazz down your throat before we fight over an EDM-esque synth solo in my shit fusion band.”

She should have hooked up with John Legend instead.

Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally

I honestly believe that we should collectively blame the “Let’s do everything that constitutes a relationship without actually calling it an official relationship I don’t like labels” phenomena on Harry Burns, who did this to lovely Sally Albright for 12 y e a r s.

And she still married him.

Ted, Bridesmaids

Said Kristen Wiig had bad teeth. Doesn’t let her stay the night. Bad at sex. But: Jonn Hamm. So I’m still kinda into it.

 

@rosielanners