Here’s how to take a good fake-candid photo of yourself because your friends are totally useless
Real smize realize real lies
Sometimes it's been two weeks since you posted a photo on Instagram and you're starting to go through attention withdrawals. Only snag? Every time your friends try to take a picture of you, it's so blurry and shitty it looks like it was taken on a Nintendo DS.
But guess what? You don't need anyone except yourself and your phone to get the perfect shot. Seriously. You don't. Fuck your lame friends, get off your ass, get pretty, and get ready to be your own photographer.
Decide what kind of shot you want
Do you want a "I didn't know you were taking this but look how hot I look" kind of plandid?
Or do you want a "OMG you sneak! You took a photo when I wasn't looking but it makes it look like I was just so cute, whoever I was with couldn't help but capture my fun loving essence in perfect lighting"?
Pick your location
This step is key since you'll be alone and most likely won't have a tripod or any other Inspector Gadget type gear to help you get the shot. If you want to take a pool shot, make sure there's a place to lean your phone. A cute couch plandid? Make sure there's a place to face the camera like against the arm of the couch.
Wherever you choose to have the photo, make sure it's feasible. You need to find realistic places to set your phone up like on a chair or leaning against some books or propped up against a glass on the coffee table.
Turn on selfie mode, set up camera, and get going
Press that little button and switch the focus of the camera to selfie. You'll probably look super ugly at first but that's because you haven't found the right angle.
Once you've leaned the camera against where it'll stand for when it takes the photo get into your plandid position and make sure everything looks cute AF.
When you're happy with your angle and pose, turn on the timer for 10 seconds. Get back in your pose and make sure you don't look dumb and then wait. The camera will snaps a burst of shots.
Go through them and see if any of them are IG worthy. If not, try as many different angles and poses as you want. That's the beauty of this whole fucking operation: you can be as psychotic about this shit as you want. Take 6,000 pictures, who cares? The only person judging you is you in the prison of your own poor-self-esteem-addled mind.
Rome wasn't built in a day and the perfect plandid won't be captured in one shot. I'm sure this story is exactly why that metaphor was coined.
Upload and wait for attention
Once you've got the perfect shot, edit the shit out of it so you look like a catfish of yourself. Find a funny caption and share that shit. Sit back, relax, and wait for the likes.
Prepare yourself for lots of "omg you look so good!" comments and some texts from friends asking who the fuck you're with or what you're doing. All you have to say is that you're living your best life, thank you very much.
And if you did it right most people won't even be able to tell that you were a friendless loser for a day who had to set her phone up against her dog to get that red bathing suit shot.
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