Every kind of girl you’ll pretend to be at some point in your life
Currently in my ‘hoe life or no life’ phase
by Amanda Ross
Not to sound like an American Girl book about your period or whatever, but the beauty of womanhood is in our versatility.
We're not actually confined to the classic female archetypes of virgin, whore, mother, bitch anymore. This is 2017 and we're grown; we can write poetry and listen to pop music, sleep around and go to church, volunteer at the animal shelter but throw up in the Uber on the way there. Versatile, right?
So that's why our phases are so important. They're all components of our eventual final product, a status I'm not sure you achieve until like, 70. Your skater phase in middle school lead to your emo phase in high school which lead to your Sylvia Plath phase in college. It's all connected.
Here's all the types of girls you'll try on at some point, brought to life with the help of babe illustrator Lucy Turnbull.
Green Juice Fitty
Your body is a temple except for when it's not. Perhaps your greatest strength is in your ability to always say no to bread at brunch and make it to SoulCycle despite a gin hangover — gin has the fewest calories, you know.
Your entire life (and Tumblr) is dedicated to the very firm belief that you are different from everyone else. You're deep, dude. You like Joy Division, for fuck's sake. I won't tell anyone your jumpsuit isn't actually vintage, your secret is totally safe with me.
You've got #NeverTrump written at the top of all your social media sites and a pink pussy hat from the Women's March still displayed in your room. Funny how you never made it out to a BLM rally, though….
Spiritual, Not Religious
You don't believe in an Abrahamic god because the idea is so far-fetched but manage to plan your entire eating, sleeping and dating schedule around your horoscope's moon sign.
Comic Book Geek Chic
You've got a lot of feelings about sexualizing female comic characters but still sex up all your cosplay outfits, much to the appreciation of every neckbeard at ComicCon. You might as well have NO SPOILERS! tattooed on your forehead as it seems to be your most used phrase.
Hoe Life Or No Life
You fuck, we get it. When a friend complains about her relationship, the only advice you ever offer is "Dump him!!" and you've definitely got a list of every person you've ever slept with in your notes app. Wow, that's a lot of guys named Jake. But no judgement.
"LOL Just One Of The Guys!"
You are not Chrissy Teigen but her in a baseball jersey is still your phone background. There's nothing wrong with liking sports and chilli cheese dogs — just so long as it's not performative. But you'd never do that, right?
You're artistic, a real writer. Or at least that's what your Twitter bio says. In public you claim to hate YA books but privately rip through all 3,000 of The Clique novels hidden in a box under your bed. Such a Massie move.
You say "Yeah I've already seen that meme" while barely glancing up from your phone. You're also the type of girl to text back "LMAOOO" when a friend sends you a funny video but not watch it and think all earnest humor is shit. You also tweet stuff like "I want to die lol" a lot. Everything OK at home? Let me know.
"I Am Never Getting Married!"
Your favorite song is Nelly Furtado's "Man Eater" and pretend to keep dudes on a rotation but it never lasts because despite all claims to the contrary, you just want someone special to fill the dick-sized hole in your heart.
"Ugh I Just Want To Get Married!"
You're probably still hung up on your high school sweetheart and share ThoughtCatalogue stories like "An Open Letter To The Future Father Of My Children From A Broken Girl" to your FaceBook.
Fashion With A Capital F
Your favorite spot is Buffalo Exchange to "flip" GAP rejects into normcore #lewks. You were probably the first in your middle school friend group to wear skinny jeans because you're an innovator. To you, anyway.
Manic Pixie Dream Binch
You know it's 2017 and you don't have to make a tapestry or whatever to tell your floppy-haired boyfriend you have manic depression or whatever, right? You strive to make everything whimsical. It doesn't look whimsical.
You put together Club Monaco separates like no other, think flat shoes are for quitters, and really understand Miranda Priestly on a spiritual level. If you were her assistant, you'd practically be running Runway by now.
Girl At The Rock Show
You've been about that #DEFENDPOPPUNK life for years now and still listen to the music you did when you were 17. But 17-year-old you had great taste. I mean, have you heard Science Fiction yet?
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