Honestly? Fuck ‘The Little Mermaid’


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Honestly? Fuck ‘The Little Mermaid’

Sha-la-la-la go fuck yourself, Ariel

Look, I've never been what you would call a dramatic person, so please believe me when I say The Little Mermaid is, quite possibly, the worst movie of all time ever. And yeah, I'm counting war propaganda and Adam Sandler films. I'm that serious.

Don't believe me?

Sit back and buckle the fuck up because I'm about to give you an education.

Love at first sight is a sham

Ariel sees Eric and automatically feels things in her fins, fine. But she sees him and automatically falls in love with him so hard that she decides to give up the one good thing she has going for her?

I'm sorry, Ariel, but you don't even know how big his dick is. You don't even know if he's a mansplainer! What I am saying is Eric is totally a mansplainer. You can just tell by his face shape.



Science is hard

You're trying to tell me that mermaids speak the same language the humans speak? Ariel magically understands Eric? How does sound travel at sea? Can a marine biologist explain this entire situation to me? Are mermaids even mammals? How do they give birth? Is there a fin-hole? I don't think so.

Why didn't Ariel write Eric a note?

Ariel signed her name to sell her voice. Yes? We all agree this happened? SO WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T SHE WRITE ERIC A NOTE TELLING HIM WHO SHE WAS? This could have solved literally everything if she had just told him that she was the girl who saved him but a sea witch tricked her into signing away her voice.

bitch, write him a fucking note

bitch, write him a fucking note

Actually, that might get her institutionalized. There's no time period specified, but it seems like the kind of era in which "mentally ill" people were locked in an attic a la Jane Eyre. If a sexy teen told you she was actually a mermaid princess, would you ever text her back? Nah.

Age disparity

Ariel is like… 15. How old is Eric, then, if he's like ready to get fucking married? 25? 35? He's definitely not a teenager because no under-25 has a chest that barreled. If they did, I'd be in jail right now. Come on.

Eric is a fuckboy

He's the #2 Disney Fuckboy behind Aladdin. Don't @ me.

No Glow-Up Montage

All the best Disney movies — Mulan, The Lion King, Hercules — have a Glow-Up Montage. There is no Glow-Up Montage in this movie and you know why? Because Ariel fucking sucks and there's no glow up that she could do that would make her better.

The sidekicks are fine

Flounder is cute, I guess. Sebastian is a killjoy. Even Flotsam and Jetsam are pretty basic-ass minions.

Triton tries too hard

We get it, you're the long dick of the undersea law, Triton. We get it. But chill the fuck out and let your daughter live. You're already a Daddy and you don't need to be an aggressive masculine douche to get us to want you. You're a bearded wonder and we're into you, so relax.

i see you, daddy

i see you, daddy

They make Ursula the villain when she should be the hero

Ursula is the best. I understand her motivation. It's a lot more believable than being in love with someone you've never met. At least Ursula knew what she wanted and went for it and did all she could do to get it. Okay, so she's kind of evil but bitch don't tell me you wouldn't do the same thing if it meant having bomb ass vocals.

The only redeeming quality of The Little Mermaid is the music. I would 10/10 attend a spin class dedicated to the music of The Little Mermaid. "Under the Sea" is a bop. Everything else though is complete shit. Fuck The Little Mermaid.


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