Things you only know if you were a total tomboy growing up
Mesh shorts or bust
by Jenn Ficarra
Growing up, we were never concerned with being covered in dirt, having unbrushed hair, or wearing clashing colors even if that sounds like a waking nightmare now.
But back when I was the queen of the tomboys, looks didn't matter as much as my batting average.
We had no time for crushes when we could crush skulls with our muscular thighs. The concept of biting your tongue never crossed our minds because all of our role models were loudmouthed bitches who took no prisoners.
No matter how much our moms tried to convince us to let them weave ribbons in our close-cropped bobs or wear something other than a Mia Hamm jersey to dinner, it's just who we were.
If you were a tomboy growing up, you get it:
Confession: I was sort of a tomboy growing up. The only reason I had Barbies was so that my G.I. Joe's would have bitches
— Ashlyn Hanisch (@ashlyn_hanisch) April 18, 2017
You had a nickname
You either shortened your name to something ending in y or had people call you by your last name. Never your full name. Never.
You were always picked first in gym class
Boys didn't want to date you but whatever because you killed it in kickball.
Ponytails for life
The concept of wearing your hair in any style other than tied up with a black elastic was so fucking foreign to you.
Mary-Kate Olsen was your Messiah
If only I had the surfer-meets-Limited Too stye of the alterna-twin.
You'd rather die than wear pink
Pink was for Barbies and the mean girls in your class who liked to make fun of your mustache. Just me? Fine.
Aeropostale sweatshirts went with every outfit
You could have been forced into nice pants and a blouse by your mom for Easter at church but you better believe you wouldn't leave the house without your sky blue Aeropostale sweatshirt in case you got cold.
But then again, you only wore one outfit
A very specific lewk: t-shit, mesh shorts, sneakers. Maybe in winter you switched it up with a sweatpant or boot cut jean.
The only doll you owned was Molly, the American Girl Doll
Molly was Tomboy AF and even got to wear pants.
You didn't understand girls who wanted to skip gym class
Whyyyyy would you ever call out sick on a gym day? What if you were rope climbing? What if it was square scooter day? Gym class was a chance for your crush to see your insane baseball skillz.
You knew more about professional sports teams than the boys
Um, sorry Derek but it was the Diamondbacks who won the World Series in 2001, not the Marlins.
You've got mad scars from jumping off the swings at recess
I'm gonna pump my legs so fucking high they're gonna think I flew for a second.
Blood didn't bother you
Only wimps are squeamish.
You brushed your hair once a year
Sometimes your mom would pull as fast one on you and start brushing without your consent. You still haven't forgiven her for tugging on the knots until your head was a giant sphere of pain.
You probably had dirt on your face at some point each day
It was like a badge of honor.
Boys were intimidated by you
Maybe no one ever had a crush on you but who needed a crush when you could crush skulls?
You had a new bruise everyday
And had no idea where they came from.
Your brain was an encyclopedia of knowledge about superheroes and cartoons
No, Ashley, actually Superman is not a member of the X-Men but thanks for trying.
Mulan was your fav Disney Princess
MULAN SAVED ALL OF MOTHER FUCKING CHINA! What did Cinderella do? Nothing. Bitch couldn't even keep her shoes on.
You loved Halloween
It was the one day of the year you could dress as your favorite Ninja Turtle and no one could say anything about it.
You spoke your mind
No one was allowed to make fun of you or your friends without getting an earful (sometimes a fistful!) back.
You played all the sports
Fall was for soccer. Winter was for basketball. Spring was for softball. Summer was spent training for all your sports / playing travel leagues.
You only wore sports bras
Once you started budding you immediately bought out Modell's sports bra section. If you were going to get tits then you were going to be comfortable about it.
Kissing was gross
Keep your filthy lips away from me, Timothy, I'm trying to burn this worm alive with my magnifying glass.
Picture Day was the worst day of the year
Because Mom made you wear something other than your Hershey Park t-shirt and they made you smile in your picture. Smiling is for losers.
You were one of the boys and that was fine
Until puberty hit and suddenly Jason was looking cute? What was the feeling between your legs every time he blew bubbles into his chocolate milk? Fuck, did this mean you were going to have to start wearing body glitter and giggling every time he said something even if it wasn't funny?
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