Everything you’ll understand if you grew up ugly


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Everything you’ll understand if you grew up ugly

I’ve got a great personality, wanna hook up?

Looks aren't everything, said every hot person ever. But you know the truth. Growing up, looks were basically all that mattered. Who cared how many Abercrombie polos you had or how funny you could be in the lunch room if you looked like an extra in American Horror Story: Freak Show? I'll tell you the answer because that was my life: NO ONE.

Hopefully, we've all moved passed this and into the phase of our life where we can a) regularly get sex we didn't have to pay for and b) laugh about the pitfalls of growing up a total beast.

You're the funniest person in your friend group

I mean, you had to be! It's not like anyone was hanging out for you for your looks or personality clout, you ugly barnacle. Not only are you now the funniest person you know, but you've gotten really good at self-deprecating humor. You know, that whole make-fun-of-yourself-before-someone-else can thing?

Seriously, though, your personality more than makes up for looking like a mutant character from The Hills Have Eyes. You've probably developed some amazing coping mechanism talent, too. For example, writing about all the things you'll know if you were ugly growing up.

You were always waiting for that makeover montage

Every iconic teen film had one, and you were certain yours was on the horizon. Every summer, you were convinced you'd magically return back to school tan, big-breasted, suddenly hot and capturing the attention of every shitbag you secretly pined over in your composition book.

Makeup-wise, your skills are unmatched

Bitch, watch me transform. I'm so good at using colored powders to shape-shift into an entirely different human, I could successfully Catfish my own mother which I guess isn't saying much because she was convinced the girl actually was talking to Bow Wow in that one iconic episode.

But trust me, I'm like, really great at deceiving people about what I really look like thanks to my years of chiseling and contouring into what passed as an acceptable human female in the Stinson Middle School cafeteria.

You loved your hot friends, but also regularly fantasized about their murder

At parties, you just kind of had to stand there and laugh awkwardly like the dude talking to your friend actually wanted to include you in their conversation. And nothing was worse than when your hot friend complained that they were ugly. HELLO, HAVE WE MET? I LOOK LIKE A PIXAR FIGURE SOMEONE STUCK IN THE MICROWAVE.

You were an original online Catfish

Neopets, Yahoo! chatrooms, The Sims, whatever. Do you think I was actually telling my cool new online friends (who were definitely trendy 16-year-olds like they claimed) that I had braces, glasses, and blunt bangs? No way. I spun a tale of pre-teen sexiness so well, I'm sure I could have Chris Hanson'd scores of creeps if I so felt like it. I settled for lying to my Neopets Guild, an evil of a different sort.

You're a liiittle bit slutty now

If your whole sexual awakening and period of discovery was delayed, of course you're going through your hoe phase now. Of course, if I was a therapist, I would say that putting out is part of trying to get people to like you because you're used to people not, but I'm also not a therapist and don't want to discourage you from getting your back blown out this weekend.

And when someone has a crush on you, you're immediately suspicious

Is this an elaborate prank? Are inviting me to prom just to pour pig blood all over my head? Are you inviting me to prom just as part of an elaborate bet with your evil, rich best friend played by 90s Paul "Rest In Peace" Walker? Are you inviting me to prom just to violently murder me? This fear of it all being a big joke has haunted you well into adulthood. My 27-year-old Tinder date wants to EMBARRASS ME AT THE DANCE, I just know it.

Your heart starts pounding when you see you were tagged in a photo

This is a fear left over from your MySpace days. You get the notification and you start to panic. Your palms are sweaty. Knees weak. Arms are heavy. What kind of sick twisted beast is going to stare back at you when you click the "Vanessa Tagged You In a Photo!" banner? If I untag it, it's like it never happened, right?

But honestly? You're the one laughing now

Statistically, you've probably glow'd up by now. Plus, being hideous forced you to develop a personality, a sense of humor, and (hopefully) a skill. What did the popular kids in middle school learn how to do aside from apply fake tan. OK, fine, that's a really useful skill to have. Maybe I'm still bitter.


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