The golden rule of dating is only one of you can be fucked up

Everyone has their own criteria for dating. Maybe you only like tall guys or short guys. Maybe you CANNOT date someone who watches Archer. Better yet, maybe you have banned musicians from your bed because they are certifiably the worst.

I'm here to tell you none of your dating criteria are as important as THE most important question to test your compatibility with the new boo: is he fucked up? Because there's really only room for one person who acts slightly problematic.

Seriously, we all know there's two roles in a relationship. First, there's the person who stays out too late, makes questionable substance decisions, and sometimes leaves you on read because they're pissed you ordered brown rice instead of white rice in their Chipotle bowl. Then, there's the person who somehow deals with all of this, pays their bills, and still has time to whiten their teeth every other Thursday at 6 p.m.

Relationships cannot exist if both people are fucked up. You just compete back and forth to see who can be the most sad. Then, you blow up when one of you realize you aren't the designated mess. Like, how dare you have more issues than me? I get to be the complicated one!

This ends up ruining the good friendship you had before you started dating. You know, the one where you would get high, eat Cheetos on his filthy plaid cloth couch, and cry about your messed-up childhoods.

Before you start dating again, it's time to have a genuine reflection session and ask yourself: how fucked up am I? If you have a 401k and a goldendoodle named Sparky, you can probably date the dude with full sleeves and a tinder profile that says "trying to get away from it all."

But until you don't go to work in last nights makeup with a pocketful of valium, you should probably find yourself a guy who talks about his lovely two-parent childhood and family beach house.

Trust me, you'll be thanking me.