Take my hand and let me guide you through being hungover at work…again
Why did my boss let me write this?
by Peyton Dix
I come to you writing this while still mildly intoxicated from last night. I come to you missing my keys, sporting a freshly cracked phone and no bra. But you know what I still have? No, not my dignity…my job.
The night may be dark and full of terrors but don’t let your #thirstythursday get the best of you, baby girl. Since I am a woman of the people, I’ve collected some basic mantras to help you in your time of need and never ending migraines. You’re welcome.
Here are some things you should say to yourself to get you through this day or at least keep you from trying to nap on the bathroom floor like some….of…us.
This too shall pass
You’ve probably seen this tattooed on someone’s inner arm. An alternative white girl staple! But it’s probably the most important thing to say to yourself. Why? Because often the hardest part of being hungover is how long it takes to end. Sometimes it takes 24 hours, sometimes longer. Healing is a process. Namaste. Take this saying to a poorly lit, quiet place (try a stairwell!) and repeat this four times out loud. Inhale. Exhale. Reflect upon all those overpriced well shots you took, you dumb bitch.
Live, laugh, love
If you have a corny mother with kitschy taste like mine, you have definitely seen this saying in a guest bathroom or as a wall decal depending on taste. Feel free to exchange 'laugh' with 'cry,' and 'love' with 'hate yourself,' all are fair feelings. Live to see another day, ideally sober! Laugh at the fact that your crush STILL hasn’t liked your most recent Instagram post! (Again, exchange with cry when needed). Love the unfathomable human ability to consume copious amounts of alcohol like it’s water!
Si se puede! (Yes we can)
This may sound familiar if you a) speak Spanish b) don’t speak Spanish but took an introductory course once, or like me, an intellectual, you remember it from the hit Disney Channel movie, Gotta Kick It Up! starring America Ferrera. Use this one for when your boss randomly gives you five last-minute assignments and you have to pretend like you’re not already behind on the first three. Hooked up with some girl in a bathroom at 3 a.m. when you should’ve been celibate and in bed? Sure! Threw up in the Uber last night? Who cares! You got this! Si se puede, puta!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened
So this is a tough one to come to terms with mostly because you likely want to cry because it happened. We all have our vices, the prospect of boys letting me down and expensive uber rides home are mine. Interpret this one like so: cry because the hangover will soon be over and smile to yourself because you know damn well your lying little ass will be right back here next week.
Not a saying, just something you should do. Gatorade is also good.
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Make your bets now, please
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I’m a culprit and now the bud struggle is real
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Whenever Friday comes around and there's still enough for an eighth in my bank account, I pick up from my handy dandy dealer. However, I recently committed the biggest sins in the pothead bible—banging my dealer. Despite homeboy practically begging for this premium pussy, he's decided not to answer my calls or texts now and…