Take my hand and let me guide you through being hungover at work…again
Why did my boss let me write this?
by Peyton Dix
I come to you writing this while still mildly intoxicated from last night. I come to you missing my keys, sporting a freshly cracked phone and no bra. But you know what I still have? No, not my dignity…my job.
The night may be dark and full of terrors but don’t let your #thirstythursday get the best of you, baby girl. Since I am a woman of the people, I’ve collected some basic mantras to help you in your time of need and never ending migraines. You’re welcome.
Here are some things you should say to yourself to get you through this day or at least keep you from trying to nap on the bathroom floor like some….of…us.
This too shall pass
You’ve probably seen this tattooed on someone’s inner arm. An alternative white girl staple! But it’s probably the most important thing to say to yourself. Why? Because often the hardest part of being hungover is how long it takes to end. Sometimes it takes 24 hours, sometimes longer. Healing is a process. Namaste. Take this saying to a poorly lit, quiet place (try a stairwell!) and repeat this four times out loud. Inhale. Exhale. Reflect upon all those overpriced well shots you took, you dumb bitch.
Live, laugh, love
If you have a corny mother with kitschy taste like mine, you have definitely seen this saying in a guest bathroom or as a wall decal depending on taste. Feel free to exchange 'laugh' with 'cry,' and 'love' with 'hate yourself,' all are fair feelings. Live to see another day, ideally sober! Laugh at the fact that your crush STILL hasn’t liked your most recent Instagram post! (Again, exchange with cry when needed). Love the unfathomable human ability to consume copious amounts of alcohol like it’s water!
Si se puede! (Yes we can)
This may sound familiar if you a) speak Spanish b) don’t speak Spanish but took an introductory course once, or like me, an intellectual, you remember it from the hit Disney Channel movie, Gotta Kick It Up! starring America Ferrera. Use this one for when your boss randomly gives you five last-minute assignments and you have to pretend like you’re not already behind on the first three. Hooked up with some girl in a bathroom at 3 a.m. when you should’ve been celibate and in bed? Sure! Threw up in the Uber last night? Who cares! You got this! Si se puede, puta!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened
So this is a tough one to come to terms with mostly because you likely want to cry because it happened. We all have our vices, the prospect of boys letting me down and expensive uber rides home are mine. Interpret this one like so: cry because the hangover will soon be over and smile to yourself because you know damn well your lying little ass will be right back here next week.
Not a saying, just something you should do. Gatorade is also good.
Calling a partner out for ‘micro-cheating’ just means you’re extremely insecure
A healthy relationship isn’t obsessively jealous
by Una Dabiero
The latest red-flag the internet has been throwing around to warn us taken girls about the evil of our guys? Micro-cheating. You've probably heard about it, but if you haven't, HuffPost Australia describes it as a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is "emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship."…
QUIZ: Plan a sexy vacation and we’ll tell you how far you’d get on The Bachelor
Don’t worry, you get internet clout no matter what
by Una Dabiero
So you're on The Bachelor and you're fighting with like, 20 other girls for the attention of a walking, talking crewcut. It kinda seems like this show was scripted in 1972, but you're on it to find love — or at least grow your Instagram following trying. The Bachelor is serious. It breaks people, makes…
Every thought you’ll have that proves you’re turning into your mom
You inspect fruit before purchasing it
by Caroline Phinney
I used to define being an adult differently. I always thought you just knew you were there when none of your interests made you happy anymore and you stuck to a routine because it's the only thing you knew how to do. Now that I'm here, I know it's so much more than that. Here's…