‘You should text him first,’ and other horrible dating advice we give our friends

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‘You should text him first,’ and other horrible dating advice we give our friends

Even if we would never take it

Even if you fancy yourself a relationship guru because you've made it through one semi-successful eight month situationship and are still on "texting terms," you probably shouldn't be doling out unsolicited therapy to one half of a perfectly happy couple.

Just because you're out of swipes on Tinder doesn't mean you should sabotage your friends who have found something good elsewhere, even if you and your fragile heart don't realize you're doing it.

If you're the stable friend, and your less-stable friend offers you any of these nuggets of wisdom, do not listen. Their heart is in the right spot, but they have no idea what they're talking about.

'You should text him first'

This is the same friend who brags about waiting three days to text back that person who likes them. Even if they don't wait three days, and wait three minutes instead, they're still bragging about it which means they'd never want to be the girl who texts first.

Their drunk, bored self is just convincing you it's a good idea for entertainments sake. Their romantic life isn't fiery right now, so they're trying to spice up yours by pouring an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce over it.

'He’s just playing hard to get, pursue him'

He is not playing hard to get. Do not pass go, and do not collect $200. No boy has the attention span to play hard to get. He's not texting you because he's thinking about someone else, he's sleeping with someone else or he's not thinking about anybody or anything at all.

If he had literally an ounce of interest in you, he'd be standing at your front door. Boys are like Golden Retrievers — they can't hide their excitement when they like someone.

'You should ask his friends about it'

You should definitely never talk to his friends about it unless their loyalty lies with you first, in which case you'd be referring to them as "your friends," not "his friends."

Do not text his friends asking why he's been acting weird, or if they've seen him talking to another girl, even if you preface it with "Hey, don't tell Matt I asked, but . . . "

They are going to tell him, and not only will he stop trusting you, but he'll feel weird. If the relationship is worth anything to you, you'll go to him first.

'Delete his number'

Granted, this isn't always bad advice, but it usually is. Maybe he's shitty and has been playing you for months — It's time you purge him from you life and move on to something (read: someone) more lucrative.

Even if that is the case, deleting his number will only cause problems. When he texts again you might think it's someone else, so you'll reply, and even if you say something along the lines of "New phone, who is this?" he'll think you're playing hard to get, and might gun harder for you.

'If you don't someone else will'

That is FINE. Let that someone else do that. If you're having second thoughts about a person, don't let someone else's interest in them persuade you into wasting your time.

That would be like ordering something you don't like from the menu just because you saw the person before you order it. (Not that we all haven't done that.)

"Sure, I'll try pig intestines."

'Break up with him before he breaks up with you'

There is a very good shot that he hasn't thought about breaking up with you at all, and your friend either wants you back as a wing-pal or hasn't heard the full story.

You know the person you are dating best, and if you really thought they were going to break up with you, you wouldn't need someone else's advice to know it. Your friend doesn't wake up next to them, they only know one another in passing.

Has she ever actually broken up with somebody first?

'Tell him you already know'

If you think your SO might be being shady, do not pretend you know, unless you have factual evidence first.

If you, or your detective friend, is wrong, you're going to feel ridiculous when it turns out "Karen" is actually just his mom, or that weekend he spent out of town was for his Aunt's funeral, not some porn star orgy fest.

'It happened to me, so it will happen to you'

Just because your friend has shitty luck in love at the moment, or has had bad partners in the past, does not mean your relationships are a foil for hers.

As awkward as it can be to explain to someone, someone else's trust issue are not your own.

'If the sex is bad, break it off'

The first time you sleep with someone is almost never good. Sometime you hit some magical g-spot jackpot and things work out, but that probably just means they sleep with a lot of people and know how to get a girl off.

The best sex comes from long-term relationships because you've learned the other person's rhythm. It usually between the one and three year mark that couples peak sexually — not only because you're more experimental, but because emotionally driven sex is hotter anyway.

Sex is an art, and it takes time to perfect.

'Wait for him to drop the L-bomb first'

Comparing relationships can be super dangerous because no two relationships have the same timeline, and no two relationships are the same.

Some people are comfortable saying the words first, and some aren't. Sometimes the love is there, and you know it, but you can tell your partner is too afraid to say it.

It's okay to take the first dive, even if it means losing the waiting game.

Often, the advice your friends give you about your romantic endeavors will be spot on, but it won't always be. It doesn't mean they're out to get you, they've just gotten themselves wrapped into something they don't necessarily know a ton about.

Think it through before acting. Would they do it?

@carolinephinney

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