Ask me to 69 again and I’ll set your entire house on fire

There's no faster way to put the kibosh on a climax than asking me to place my ass gently upon your face, and there's no worse way to ask me to gently place my ass on your face than by suggesting we 69.

All I can think about is what my asshole looks like to you.

Sitting on someone's face, while trying to simultaneously focus on swallowing their entire dick at a backwards angle is not reasonable, and should be outlawed in the US of A.

I'll be honest. Most of the time, sex is a surprise. Not in the non-consensual-I-didn't-want-this kind of way, but in the I-never-get-laid-and-can't-believe-this-had-to-happen-today-of-all-days kind of way.

I'm not ready for this. I haven't weighed the pros and cons. I don't have a whiteboard. And now you're asking me to 69? Damn.

I can't focus on me if I'm focusing on you

Multitasking doesn't work when it comes to sex. When we're doing the deed, either I'm focusing on me or I'm focusing on you, and there is no in between.

You can either be giving or receiving, and you need to choose one. This isn't a democracy.

I can't focus on you if I'm focusing on me

See above.

Plus, even if I did want to compromise, I wouldn't be able to focus while thinking about the myriad of other things that could go horribly, horribly wrong right now.

There's too much to think about. I don't even like when the cashier hands me my bags while I'm still trying to put my money away. I'm a simple being interested in handling one thing at a time, and now the guy behind me is stressing me TF out.

There are no 69-friendly foods

There are sex-friendly foods, and there are gluten-intolerant friendly foods, but there are no 69-friendly foods.

Even sushi can't save you from what might happen while you're backwards, on top, and taking it from both ends. I shiver at the very thought.

I don't need my vagina to be lit

I haven't shaved, but you damn well bet I'm about to — in your bathroom while pretending to pee.

I don't want your face that close to my brand-new razor burn, out there for the world to see. Please kindly ignore the fresh blood stains on my underwear as well. Your lotion is all out.

I mean I do want you down there, but only under a cover of darkness (read:sheets) where you can't really see what's going on.

If you have gross ass balls, my nose it now way too close

I . . . have nothing to say about this.

On the contrary, I'm nervous about the fact I haven't showered

And I'm only nervous because I'm sure. I know I haven't. I was there when I actively chose not to.

What am I supposed to do with my hands

It's like, I don't want to lean on my elbows, but also leaning on hands makes it hard to use them for other things, like, for example, encircling half of your dick as I pretend it's in my mouth because I suddenly remembered my gag-reflex isn't half as good as I've convinced myself.

There is no right angle

And I'm not talking 90 degrees. I'm talking obtuse. But how obtuse? If we sit too far away from your neck we're worried we're making you strain, and if we sit too close, we're worried we're suffocating you.

But if your torso is long we're going to have to slide down, and vice versa. There is seriously no comfortable way to tell how things are going on that end, without throwing it back and asking.

The mounting process is awful

I am not a horse back rider. I've avoided equestrian extracurriculars my entire life. Similarly, I'm not an "on top" girl. I'm tired, and it's not a good angle for me. So to ask me to mount you? Backwards!?

You're going to get a knee to the face, and I'm going to end up feeling guilty. I'll start telling you about my personal problems to make you feel more comfortable, and then you'll call an Uber to leave.

I'll have to friend your sister on Facebook to ask if you're okay, and then she and I will end up becoming best friends. All because you needed to fulfill your teen boy wet dreams, and 69.

@carolinephinney