2017 was, and continues to be, the year of realizing things.
And one thing that I've realized is that being fake is a lame-ass waste of time. Now I am completely honest about everything, and my life is amazing. Just kidding. But being selective in your fakery can certainly make a difference. After all, who has the energy to keep the charade up all the time?
Here's a short list of things you can stop pretending to like, pronto, because it just isn't worth it:
The friend your whole group hates
The most dangerous animal on this planet is a FAKE FRIEND ! 😊👌
— Jarsoft Aquino ♡ (@Jarsoft) September 26, 2017
That friend who you and your other friends constantly complain about should not be your friend! Don’t waste your time hanging out with someone who annoys the shit out of you. Don’t waste your time talking shit about someone you only pretend to like.
And no matter how noxious your group finds this lame friend's presence, there is someone out there for almost everyone. Give them a chance to go meet other people who might actually enjoy them! Do this person a favor and cut that shit out.
Posting on Instagram just in general
Nobody actually likes agonizing over which of the 23 nearly identical pictures taken by your long-suffering significant other/parent/roommate should go through the meticulous filter, crop and caption process that goes into every Instagram post, right? It’s all about the likes. Those sweet, dopamine-producing likes.
If we all copped to this hidden truth, it would make the already transactional nature of social media so much easier! My hair never actually looks like that in real life and the string of emojis in lieu of a caption don’t even mean anything. Just double-tap my sleek, curated image and I’ll do the same for you, OK?
30 minutes-ish old!!!! Zilker Marco IPA!!💪🏼💪🏽💪🏾💪🏿💪🏾💪🏽💪🏼 pic.twitter.com/C1p91dGKrC
— Mueller Beer Shop (@muellerbeer) October 3, 2017
If you like regular beer but wish it tasted way worse, then IPAs could be the brew of choice for you. They’re expensive and dirt-flavored and insanely boring to talk about for more than three seconds. More often than not, people are only drinking IPAs to impress their peers.
You know what else would impress your peers? A little bit of goddamn integrity.
Maybe you’re trying to spare their feelings. Maybe you’re with someone random and didn’t think that sloppy bar make-out was going to translate this poorly to the bedroom.
Whatever the case, you shouldn’t pretend to be into something sexually when you’re just not feeling it. It’s not fair to your partner, and it’s definitely not fair to you. The sooner you speak up, the sooner you’ll get loved down, if you know what I mean.
Africa by Toto
The popularity of this song is the most compelling evidence I have that this world is a computer simulation and/or Truman Show-esque reality that's it’s all about me, me, me, because I cannot fucking fathom why this song appeals to people or how they heard it in the first place. It feels like a sick joke the world is playing on me.
I think it is horrible, and the fact that people actively request it at parties and bars does not make any sense. How does everyone even know this song? Was it in a famous movie? Is there some secret GroupMe I wasn’t added to? If this is some universal bit that everyone else is in on, I implore you all to cut the shit so I never have to hear a banger fade into this weird synth-y bullshit again.
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