If they miss the window to lose their virginity, will they ever get a chance?
It's easy to assume everyone isn't a virgin. After all, sex is normal. Sex is natural. Sex is everywhere, so of course everyone is doing it.
It's just assumed that if you're out there and talking about sex then you've probably done it. But what if you haven't? What if you're still a virgin. Not necessarily by choice but because you've missed the "window."
What is the 'window'?
For many, losing their virginity falls around age 17 when they're at the tail end of high school / maybe early college. Presumably, "the window" is ages 16-22 where young adults are in school environments where they have relationships or discover their sexuality and explore it in new ways. The "window" is a time of self-discovery and exploration.
What about those who miss the "window?" Maybe they were too self-conscious. Maybe they just never had an opportunity. Maybe they were bound to religious beliefs. But what happens when schooling is done and they've entered the real world? How much harder is it to lose one's virginity the older they get?
"I feel like sex, especially for the first time, is a big deal and it's a very intimate thing so I'm not going to lose it to some random guy from Tinder," Alex* told babe. At 24, Alex confesses she's still a virgin and feels as though the older she gets, the fewer options she has. "The older I get the more it feels like a big deal. I don't see it changing anytime in the near future and it sort of feels overwhelming, like I'm going to end up the 40-year-old virgin or something."
"The fear of being the 40-year-old virgin kind of always hangs in the back of my head," Sara*, a 25-year-old virgin, told babe. It seems the fear of being a virgin "forever" is a thread that runs through most people who believe they've missed the "window."
Obstacles and boundaries
One might argue that if you want to lose it just download Tinder and start swiping. But Sara counters that virginity "feels too important to be something I just throw at a random dude from a bar." But, unfortunately, society has developed into an impersonal hook-up culture where the idea that sex is just sex permeates through everything from music to television to film. Over-sexualization is everywhere and with it comes apathy about virginity and the assumption that everyone around you is also having sex.
Not everyone is, however. There's a definitive agreement that the older you get, the harder it becomes to lose it. "I think it's a combo of lack of opportunity and feeling awkward about it because I waited too long," Sara tells babe. "In college I was surrounded by single men that were my age. Now, I work with mostly middle aged married men so I'm not left with many options."
For Sara, a big reason she held off on losing it during her "window" was because of religious reasons. Many religions say that sex is sacred and something to be saved for marriage. With that kind of pressure and importance on virginity, it's understandable that one wouldn't want to just throw it away.
Then again, we live in a society that applauds men for scoring as many women as they can but we shame women for showing the slightest bit of sexual appetite. The message that virginity is a gift that should be given puts the onus on women and therefore, the culpability. If a women chooses to "throw away" that gift, she's dirty and impure. But virginity, like anything else regarding one's body, is a personal choice and choosing to have sex doesn't make one dirty or impure.
Sexuality and sex aren't mutually exclusive
Missing the "window" also presents another issue, one that Alex is hyper aware of. "I guess not being sexually active [in an over-sexualized society] leaves me struggling to figure out my own sexuality. How do you own it and wield it when it's not being used?" Being sexually active and having sexuality are not mutually exclusive and it presents a modern day conundrum: how does one who presumably missed the "window" form their own sexuality.
Sara admits that finding her sexuality amidst the over-sexualized noise was tough. "I identify as bisexual and coming to that conclusion was a nightmare," Sara says. "Being religious at the time, I tried to rationalize my attraction to females for years. I didn't have anything to go off of either way except the fact that I was emotionally and physically attracted to both."
It wasn't just understanding her sexuality that was difficult for Sara. But coming out, she says, was also a nightmare. "Everyone questioned how I could know if I had never sexually experimented with either." Which presents another issue amongst the over-sexualized world — when so much of what we see is hetero sex, does it do a disservice to those who are questioning their sexuality and trying to discover themselves? And when you're a virgin, it can be particularly difficult to feel comfortable enough to explore those sides of you without fear of awkwardness or shame.
It's a personal choice
There's no right time to lose your virginity. The "window" exists, sure, and while missing out on the "window" might make it a bit harder the more you get older it also might make it more meaningful when you do eventually lose it. But virginity in the Millennial age also presents it's own unique set of challenges and obstacles — ones that we often overlook.
Virginity is the target of many jokes and the plot of many tv shows and movies but it's also real. It's not a disease, it's not something people should be pitied for — it's a choice. One that should be respected, not shamed for. Ultimately, while there does seem to be a "window" for losing it, being sexually active does not make you better than a virgin. And being a virgin doesn't make you holier than someone who has sex.
Plenty of people will say they regret losing it when they did, that they wish they had waited. Others, like Alex and Sara, may have wished they had lost it when they had a chance to. Whether or not you take advantage of the "window" is a personal choice, one that you and you alone can make.
Does it get harder to lose it the older you get? Sure. But sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for.