Are you actually polyamorous or just a huge asshole?

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Are you actually polyamorous or just a huge asshole?

Because it’s probably the latter

Two people consenting in a mutually non-monogamous relationship as a means of exploring and experiencing relationships with others is one thing. Treating your partner like shit and masking it under the guise of some nonexistent mutually consensual non-monogamy is another.

Polyamory, for those like myself who remain stubbornly antiquated, is the practice of intimate relationships with more than one partner, with — and this is the important bit — the knowledge of all partners.

University of Michigan psychologist Terri Conley estimates that more than five percent of Americans are currently involved in consensual non-monogamous relationships, with the number swiftly on the rise — meaning they're engaging in open relationships with the approval of all parties.

But five percent probably sounds low to you, because you know Becky and Steven are both seeing other people, and last week when you got lunch with Katy, she told you she was considering opening her relationship with Daniel, which is good, because you know Becky already slept with him.

And, because it's unlikely you're friends with all five percent of the population who identify this way, you're maybe assuming I've provided you with false information, or warped statistics, but I haven't.

Of course, polyamory is more abundant in liberal pockets of the US — cities, college towns — but you know what else is abundant in those places? People gaslighting their partners and engaging in the practice of what is essentially non-consensual-non-manogomy, and the two are not uncorrelated.

Stick with me here.

You're seeing someone and you really care about them. You want them to like you, too, but you don't want to scare them off. Sound familiar? They talk about the future, but always in vague terms. They ask you on dates, but almost always the day of, or if you're lucky, the day before. They want all of the benefits of a relationship, but not with you.

I mean, with you, but not with just you.

They want to explore. They're young, they want to taste different things (girls), and make sure they aren't settling before they're ready. Mid 20s isn't old anymore — actually, as they keep reminding you, it's the youngest they'll ever be.

And because you don't want to lose them, you don't necessarily grant them permission to stray, but you also don't deny it, and thus modern-polyamory is born: An excuse to be an asshole to someone because you know they care enough to stick around.

There's nothing wrong with polyamory when it's done right, but more often than not, people choose polyamorous lifestyles without making sure the other person is OK choosing that as well, because they're not sure they're quite "ready." And that's not polyamory, that's just douchebaggery.

One day they'll realize they were ready, but luckily for you, you'll be on to your next.

@carolinephinney