Why the fuck am I attracted to Post Malone?
An investigative report
First of all, I just want to say that I am so fucking sorry. I know that doesn't really make it better, but I mean it.
I think Post Malone is hot. When I see a picture of him, I don't just think, "Ah, an image of successful rapper Post Malone." I think, "Ah, an image of successful rapper Post Malone, who I would kiss if given the opportunity."
Yeah, it's that bad.
Where did I go wrong? I've tried to distill the origins of this attraction, but at the end of the day, it's too late for me.
I'm always going to be the person who thought Post Malone was cute, no matter what else I achieve in this life of sin. Might as well dive in.
I like his music
"Congratulations"? Banger. "White Iverson"? Banger. "I Fall Apart"? Emotional banger. Post Malone makes fun, uncomplicated rap music that I like to listen to at parties and when I'm by myself.
I've even seen Post Malone in concert, but the main thing I remember from the concert was drunkenly looking onstage and asking, "Is that fucking Post Malone?"
Talent is sexy, and Post Malone is definitely not untalented.
He seems fun
Even if you're not physically attracted to him, you have to hand it to the guy: he seems like he's a lot of fun to hang out with. He's funny, and if his Noisey video profile is any indication, he's a really down-to-earth guy.
Post Malone would definitely laugh at my jokes instead of saying, "Oh, that's weird," or pretending not to hear them, which would make me feel comfortable and safe. Such a turn-on!
He knows how to accessorize
Again: how fun is this!? Seems like Post Malone is never without a couple of necklaces, a black manicure and a dangling cigarette. He clearly understands fashion and the importance of keeping things spicy.
I for one find it very attractive when a guy isn't too masculine to experiment with jewelry, and smoking is vintage rebel/bad-boy. James Dean could never!
I have low standards
I've been around the block a couple of times, and honestly? I'm pickier about french fries than I am about men.
I have agreed to go on dates for reasons ranging from "he was wearing a cool jacket" to "my friends thought it would be funny." I have a fair amount of free time and I get along with a wide range of people, okay? Post Malone isn't even close to the lowest I'd go, is what I'm saying.
I've dated like one "hot" guy. He knows who he is.
His hair is… kind of nice?
Ugh. Yeah, it's a mullet, isn't it. It's totally a mullet. But I'm into it. Fuck. Whatever. Post Malone is hot, don't @ me.
Related stories recommended by this writer:
● These are all the types of hot guys in the world, RANKED by desirability
● INVESTIGATION: Is Timothée Chalamet hot? Let’s examine the evidence together
● Here’s what your very specific taste in porn says about you
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