This Taylor Swift baby conspiracy theory is the craziest thing I’ve heard all week, tbh

I love a good batshit insane celebrity conspiracy theory. Lady Gaga killing her friend to absorb her powers, The Weeknd selling his soul to the devil, Larry Stylinson and all its offshoots.

My favorite (though obviously fake one) is one that started circulating yesterday. After Taylor Swift dropped a teaser for her new promotional single "Gorgeous", fans scrambled to figure out the identity of a baby girl cooing "gor-geous" at the beginning of the track.

Those of us with more than two braincells to rub together had a few ideas. It was either a small child she knew (and she seems like the kind of person who knows a lot, especially considering she's a godmother), a vocal effect, or an audio recording of her as a child saying gorgeous.

Aaaand then there were the conspiracy theorists. They genuinely believe that in the three years since her last album, Taylor Swift had a baby.

No, actually. On Tumblr especially, there's a prevailing theory that Taylor conceived and gave birth to a baby, and that's why she's been in hiding and looking a lil thicker than her usual swizzle stick-thin self:

Taylor herself stoked the mysterious fires by jumping into a Tumblr post that questioned the baby's identity. She shot back "300 people know", meaning the 300 people she's hosted at her homes for secret Reputation listening parties.

We can all agree that's insane but utterly enjoyable rumor to consume, but let's talk about who the baby actually is.

I have two ideas: Lily Aldridge's daughter, Dixie, or Blake Lively's daughter, James. My money's on the spawn of Serena Van der Woodsen because Taylor's been closer to Blake and her husband Ryan Reynolds than most of her other friends over the past few years.

Taylor visited them in the hospital after Blake gave birth, they've been on couples trips together, and Ryan even gave her his authentic fresh-from-the-set Deadpool costume to wear for Halloween:

Either way, it's not hers. Sorry, y'all. Maybe next year.