The guy you like is secretly classifying you as either a Before, a During, or an After

Vanessa Abrams: Before, Blair Waldorf: During, Serena van der Woodsen: After.

Veronica Lodge: Before, Betty Cooper: During, Cheryl Blossom: After.

Whether or not we choose to recognize it, every guy we like is classifying us as either a Before, During or After, and no matter how hard we try to re-brand ourselves, there's no escaping the fact we were written into these roles.

Before

It's really hard being a Before Girl, because they're the one a guy dates just before realizing who he actually wants to be with. In their mind, Before Girls exist to help them navigate their own romantic and emotional turmoil.

Before Girls are neither the most desirable, nor the most interesting. Their job is absolutely thankless and they always put in the shit hours so the next girl can hit those weekend shifts.

Like Vanessa from Gossip Girl, Before Girls are always getting used by guys like Dan. When someone settles into something with a Before Girl it's because they're actively fielding someone else. We'd all rather fuck it up with someone we don't see as long-term in the first place. They're a guinea pig for a guy's next, more successful relationship.

They're like cereal for breakfast — sensible and filling, but not a priority and not the most exciting.

You know a Before Girl when you meet her, because she's too smart for her own good, she's pretty but never in a classical way and she probably thinks Zara classifies as "business professional."

If you're a Before girl, wondering how every guy always seems to settle into a long term relationship right after you, know it's not you. That other person was there the whole time.

#JusticeForBeforeGirls

During

During Girls are girlfriend-girls — the one that guy was using his Before Girl to get to. They're more rational than emotional, and they're convinced you can love anyone as long as you "choose" to.

A During girl would never dye her hair, she owns more than two hair-ties (and knows where they all are), she has an actual pajama set instead of sleeping in underwear and a t-shirt, and she majored in something sensible like accounting.

During Girls embody all of the good and none of the bad, except for one teeny, tiny thing: they're a bit boring.

They're the one guys fall asleep next to while while silently masturbating to the though of someone else. It doesn't mean guys can't be in love with During Girls — they just aren't really fantasy material.

They grocery shop instead of ordering from Seamless, they probably have a list of names they're considering for their future kids and the only time they'll suggest switching to doggy is if they're super fucked up.

They're the one guys want around for a long time, not necessarily a good time.

After

After Girls are the fiery rebounds. Their DMs are always packed and they get more than 200 likes on every Instagram, but if they were upset at 2 am and needed someone to talk to, there would be nobody on the other end of the line.

Everyone is always taking pity on After Girls, acting like they didn't choose this life for themselves, but the second they got that under-the-tit tattoo and decided on a career in design, their fate was sealed.

While After Girls are a mess in more than one aspect of their life, there's something nobody can take away from them: they really know how to drive guys wild.

They're more into giving head than getting sex, they've never had a wedding board on Pinterest and they can go four days wearing the same pair of jeans before changing.

They'd rather spend money on drinks than food, they prefer whiskey to wine and they always have an overnight bag packed and ready to go.

They're the one that guy was actually thinking about while fucking his During, but with After Girls, it never lasts. Guys don't want to introduce them to their friends or family, and Afters don't really want to meet them.

So whether you're a Before, During or After, just know you're playing your part so the rest of us can play ours, too.

You can pretend — you can put on a wig, or try and drown a guy in a hot tub — but gravity will always bring you back.

@carolinephinney