‘Photographers’, foreign dudes, and Tinder creeps: Every weird-ass message in your Instagram DMs

Have you ever gotten a direct message so inane or obscene that it's made you rethink your stance on whether or not the internet was a positive step for humanity?

Sis, I feel you. In the words of prophet Yo Gotti, it does indeed go down in the DMs.

What goes down, exactly? Foolishness, thirst, and occasionally a sweet business opportunity.

If you're a woman with a public Instagram account, then I have no doubt that you've received these kinds of messages. Probably, more than once.

Because say it with me ladies: men are boring and all the same!

But they're not the only ones capable of committing some particularly heinous acts of DM-sliding. Follow me down through the 7 different types of DMs we've all seen waaaay too many times.

The missed connection

Ugh. Now I know you're a motherfucking Sherlock Holmes. DMing me after we didn't match on Tinder is a complete no-go. Like, my standards for Tinder aren't even that high and I'm usually at least a few drinks in when I get to swiping.

So if you didn't pass that test… Keep it. But thanks for the follow!

The story responder

Okay, am I posting my Instagram story for attention? Obviously yes. But am I posting it for attention from you, Guy I Didn't Even Talk To In High School? No, I am not, and yet time and again you come out of the woodwork to let me know that you're always watching.

"Lol, are you home?" You know I'm not home. I posted a picture of my meal, which I am enjoying in a city hundreds of miles away from you, a mere 18 minutes ago. How fast do you think I can eat, Ryan?

The "photographer"

He loves your look, and he wants to know if you're interested in working together. But like, don't bring a friend or anything. He needs a certain atmosphere to work, and that atmosphere involves you semi-nude and him semi-hard.

Avoid at all costs. The pictures on his page all look like shit, and every single shot involves Christmas lights.

The networker

Somebody wants to "collaborate!" If you've ever posted any creative work on your Instagram page, expect these vultures to make their move pretty soon after.

I guess there's nothing wrong with reaching out to someone whose work you admire, but my email address is in my bio for a reason. Keep the business out of my personal 'gram unless you know me like that.

The "woman to woman…"

Oh no no. I understand the sentiment, but you are obviously laboring under the impression that I give a fuck about what every dude I talk to does on off-hours.

If I really wanted this guy for myself, not only would he have his location permanently shared with me, he wouldn't even have enough free time to talk to other people. I'm a crazy person! Next!

The international affair

Sometimes you know that the stranger messaging you doesn't have an expert grasp on the English language, as evidenced by certain… creative spelling choices.

On the one hand, the idea of having a foreign lover is sort of appealing. I love traveling. But ultimately it's gonna be a no from me in terms of requests to "send bobs." Sincere apologies.

@k80way