Stop calling me ‘exotic’: What it’s like dating white guys as a non-white woman

tips

babe  • 

Stop calling me ‘exotic’: What it’s like dating white guys as a non-white woman

Microaggressions galore!

Every boyfriend I’ve ever had is a white guy. Which is totally fine, honestly.

As a biracial woman, I’m not really white — which is also totally fine. But dating white people when you aren’t white is complicated, and not just in the way that regular dating is complicated, or the way that life is complicated.

There's always going to be a power imbalance. It comes from dating someone who matches up with society's beauty standard- white, with 'good' hair and light eyes. Someone who comes from a different cultural background, and who is seen as the default person. That's is A Lot.

Sometimes, it sucks. Because even if your white partner is considerate, “woke” (but not in a fake Twitter bio way) and loving, everyone else might not be as accepting.

Which is bullshit, because your relationship is literally nobody else’s business.

What’s so hard for Cousin Heather or Ex-Roommate Derrick to “accept” the fact that you and your white boy are currently making your way through Season 3 of Parks and Rec.

It shouldn’t be fraught, and it doesn’t seem that deep, but it is and it is. And I know I’m not the only brown girl who dates white guys who feels this way.

babe spoke to several women of color about dating white men, and certain experiences stuck out as all-too common examples of the trials of dating the White Man.

The agony, the ecstasy, the boat shoes.

"What? It's just a joke!"

Maybe he wasn't really thinking about how you'd feel when he told you that your hair is weird or that you smell different from his exes.

Doesn't fucking matter, actually! Could even be worse!

One woman, Bria, told babe about a "game" her ex suggested they play, in which they'd list all the things they would change about each other. She didn't want to play, because… duh. But he went first, and told her he wished her hair was "longer and straighter."

"How are you going to tell a girl how to wear her hair?" Bria said. "And on top of that how do you have the nerve to tell a black girl how the hair that comes out of her scalp should grow?"

Gail, a Latina woman, said she dated a white guy who constantly made jokes about her wanting tacos. "Guys make stereotypical remarks towards me and I used to laugh it off," she said. "But now, I fucking don’t."

Because not only is racism offensive and corrosive, it's literally so boring. Get some new non-racist material, bigots.

If you compare me to food one more time…

It feels great to be someone's first choice, but it feels awful to be someone's favorite flavor.

I've been called "exotic" as a compliment more times than I can count, and honestly? It's not flattering. A pet leopard is exotic. I am not.

Yes, we're talking fetishization of non-white women! If he brags about his "yellow fever" or calls you "spicy," I implore you: run far the fuck away, because he is a garbage man and not in the professional sense.

Gail said a man once compared her to Shakira… while they were having sex. "If you compliment my ass, just say nice ass," she said. "I just hate having to explain why these stereotypes are annoying or how I’m not fucking Shakira."

And who told white dudes that women of color love to be compared to snacks? "in general, there are three conversations I’m used to having with the white guys I date," Bria said. "Don’t compare me to chocolate desserts, don’t say the N-word, and this isn't my hair."

Parents: they just don't understand

It’s not technically your partner’s fault if their parents take some time to adjust… Until they play along instead of calling Mommy and Daddy out on their bullshit.

Hope they didn’t want a granddaughter named Mykenna!

Personally, I’ve never run into this problem — I’ve either split with my man before I meet his parents, or they’ve been nothing but nice to me. But other women have had to deal with micro-aggressions out the ass.

Gauri, who’s Indian-American — not from India — described “painful” interactions with her ex’s family.

“I have lived here all my life,” she said. “Yet the only thing that we would really have to talk about is India. His parents nicknamed us ‘Hollywood and Bollywood.’”

Blondes have more fun!

My least favorite part about being with a white guy is the sense that there’s some blue-eyed, delicately-freckled bitch waiting in the wings to pounce on your man as soon as they get the chance.

Even if she's a figment of your imagination. Especially if she's a figment of your imagination.

"I was with this guy and I felt insecure knowing that most of his friends and his frat socialize with blonde, 'perfect' girls," Gail said. "Someone actually told me that this guy Jared had a thing for Latinas, so that’s why he was with me… Which made me feel like shit."

Another woman, who preferred to remain anonymous, felt her boyfriend didn't respect her as much as he would have respected a white woman.

"I felt like he always saw me as an object," she said. "He would like sexually harass me in front of his friends and in public, even when I said 'stop,' and would get mad at any slight disagreement I had with him."

He also paid her the World's Worst Compliment: "Once he told me, 'You're so hot that you look white,'" she said. She is Indian-American.

The takeaway

Unfortunately, the shit you go through when you're dating a white guy often becomes more obvious in hindsight, especially when it's sneaky racism disguised as flattery.

The key is to find a guy who's dating you for you, not your look, and who's genuinely interested in learning about your background.

Gauri, for instance, didn't notice that her boyfriend wasn't interested in engaging critically with her heritage until after they broke up.

"He was turned on by the fact that I was different without caring about what that difference meant to me," she said.

So pay attention to your white partner, don't compare yourself to the white women in his life, and if he puts on "Hips Don't Lie," run for the fucking hills. e

Related stories recommended by this writer:

No, being Asian doesn't make me submissive

'Do you two have the same dad?': What it's like growing up as the darker sister

#WomenBoycott Twitter is peak white feminism in the dumbest way

@k80way