How to be a woman on Halloween
It’s like being slut-shamed any other time of the year, but spookier!
Hello and welcome to the best time of the year! Here are some spooky jokes to get you in the mood for All Hallows Eve! What do you call a group of witches who live together? Broommates! Why don’t ghosts like to go trick or treating in the rain? Because it dampens their spirits!
What do you call a girl at Halloween? A slut!
I mean, probably.
Navigating everyday life without drawing the ire of Cheeto-fingered mouth breathers on the internet is a minefield at the best of times, but at Halloween it can be even worse. A wise woman once said: “Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it”, and maybe that was true once, all the way back in 2004.
But now it’s 2017, the age of Twitter, where other girls (and other boys) can say whatever they want about every little thing you do, say and think.
There are rules here, you know. Here’s how to get it right according to the great misogynists of the information superhighway.
Don’t wear a costume that shows off your body, obviously
I swear every girl gonna be dressin slutty for Halloween.
— Joseph Perez™ (@Joseph_Perez_) October 25, 2017
Why do women get upset at men for looking at their boobs or ass, then every Halloween every girl dresses like a slut?
— Yolanda (@barlow_yo) October 18, 2017
Why do I feel like the things girls wear for Halloween are extra slutty this year like damn bitch put that shit away
— baby.girl (@605_2958) October 22, 2017
Why was every girl a slut for Halloween like you do that every day change it up a bit
— ?deadflee (@BMVToes) November 2, 2014
Why exactly do people feel the need to slut up Halloween , I'd like a girl all scary than all flashy :)
— CarlosSpicyWeiner (@ShoesLil) October 21, 2013
This one’s a given, really. If you wear a slutty costume you must be a slut. The sinister thing about it is how much this argument has become twisted and strange over the years — we’ve internalized it so much that it’s no longer necessary for guys to call us sluts for dressing in literally any Halloween costume that isn’t a sumo suit or a onesie, because plenty of girls do it for them. You might not hear anything outwardly misogynistic from a guy this Halloween about your “slutty” costume (he’ll probably just subtweet you later instead) but you’ll hear plenty of girls talking about how different they are because they choose not to dress sexily.
It’s not our fault, honestly, the struggle of internalised misogyny is real. But look, don’t be a ‘not like other girls girl’ this Halloween, or any other time of the year. It’s just not very festive.
Especially if you’re ~faaat~
Why do big girls be dressing up as Selena for halloween ???
— Thugger Girl (@tinoco1497) October 18, 2017
Halloween is the scariest time of the year all the dead rising from the grave and the fat girls thinking they look sexy dressed like a cat.
— Chewy Cauby (@Swarm_Warrior1) October 23, 2017
Nobody wants to see that.
There are also more specific rules on costumes. For instance:
Don’t be a cat
I hate it when girls don't know what to do for Halloween so they wear black and draw whiskers on their face
— Landry(L$) (@LandryHodges) April 5, 2017
The first time I dressed up as a cat, I was five and my mum, who was overworked and underpaid, drew whiskers on me and dressed me in a garbage bag and said I was a cat. For a long time I thought that was resourceful and innovative and that I looked cute. Now I see she was setting me up for a lifetime of hurt as a basic bitch. Thanks, mum.
Don’t be a Playboy bunny
If you wanna catch my attention this Halloween, don't wear a basic playboy bunny outfit. Dress like the Exorcist demon girl ❗️
— Zulfiqar ?? (@Jnoubi_Elite) October 2, 2017
I'm bringing a big bag of carrots on Halloween so I can throw them as hard as I fucking can at any girl dressed like a playboy bunny
— Comeault (@EthanComeault) September 30, 2017
According to the men of the internet, topical costumes are a Cardinal Sin. Remember how everyone lost their minds last year over Harley Quinn and Eleven costumes? There’s something about policing women’s referential nods to pop culture events of the past year while looking cute doing it that just irks men online. So look, even though you might look absolutely bangin’, put the bunny ears and basque away for another year. It’s just not worth provoking them.
Side note: if you do decide to dress like a Playboy bunny this year, more power to you, that’s your choice. Just, y’know, bear this in mind.
Don’t be hot sauce…?
All the girls dressing as Taco Bell hot sauce on Halloween are just teeing up terrible late night bad decision pick up lines for drunk dudes
— Eric Matthews (@CampaignRPoz) October 21, 2017
Hot sauce is now slutty apparently. Don’t go to Taco Bell anymore if you don’t wanna be abused on the internet.
Don’t be Khaleesi
can't wait for every blonde girl in the world to be khaleesi for halloween.
— Kendall Martin (@KendallMartin_) October 13, 2017
You might think that Game Of Thrones is a universally enjoyed show with varied strong female characters and interesting plots and that you can show your enjoyment of it on Halloween. But you are wrong. The strong female characters of Game of Thrones only matter to the men of the internet when their tits are out on screen long enough to be saved and furiously masturbated over later. And anyway you don’t look anything like Daenerys, dumb bitch.
Don’t be Mia Wallace
for Halloween I'm going as every semi-edgy girl going as Mia Wallace, who thinks they know Tarentino films but actually don't pic.twitter.com/odEMihlxQS
— uncomfortable silenc (@aadlaniel) October 15, 2017
Only TRUE edgy kids who support Quentin Tarantino’s foot obsessed, sad-friend-of-Harvey-Weinstein’s movies are allowed to dress as Mia Wallace, one of his interchangeable two dimensional female characters. Come back at me when you’ve done one film studies class on My Best Friend’s Birthday (1987), OK sweetie?
Don’t be a Kardashian
Wtf is wit every other girl being kim kardashian for halloween this year?!? She's a regular person.
— Big Matty B (@That_Mohawk_Guy) October 27, 2011
Kardashians are the epitome of basic, duh.
Don’t be literally anything scary
I hate when pretty girls dress up as demons for Halloween but then again it's their chance to show the real them
— Sizz (@MisterMojo24) October 31, 2016
You! Are! So! Weak!
Don’t wear make-up unless you’re sure that nobody else in a 250 mile radius is wearing similar make-up
is every girl gonna upload the same Halloween makeup look ? Or y'all gonna actually try and be original for once
— Mia (@JackassMisfits) October 9, 2017
Close to Halloween cue insta being full of every girl using make up to make fake cuts ??
— Lord Dylan (@DylanChateau1) October 5, 2017
Personally I know that I have my bronzer and eyebrow pencils created by blind nuns in a monastery somewhere in Nepal (even they’re not sure of the exact address) so that my mystic beauty secrets are safe with me and I will never, until the day I die, look anything like other girls, because other girls are disgusting and gross and The Enemy.
Don’t eat Halloween-themed food
I swear every girl has posted a story of those Halloween cookies at some point today… Most overrated cookies in the history of cookies they are straight trash…? Don't @ me
— Based Dodd™ (@bdodd24) October 17, 2017
This is where I draw the line. You can pull my Halloween themed treats and snacks from my cold dead fucking hands.
Don’t even? Enjoy? Halloween?
Halloween is suddenly every girl's favorite holiday for the RT's, all that "spooky" shit
— Marcus (@chakra_tease) October 10, 2017
Why does every girl seem to cream themselves over Halloween ?
— Truffles (@JameTruflMurphy) October 15, 2017
Don’t enjoy life. Don’t breathe, eat, drink, move or exist. Don’t enjoy anything. There. Now you are safe. For the time being.
Oh, and obviously, and this counts for the whole month, stay well away from pumpkin spice, you basic bitch.
The rules of 2019 have already been decided and there’s nothing we can do about it
People are already mad
by Caroline Phinney
I feel kind of bad for 2019 because people are already mad at it and it hasn't even started. It's like when you get with someone following a breakup and you're already assuming they're cheating on and lying to you, because why would anyone ever be genuine? How can you blame us though? Even if…
Your weekly horoscopes are here, and it looks like someone is finally going to commit
Took long enough
by Codi Cheyenne
When I dip, you dip. The energies of the cosmos seriously slipped last week, and now we’re all rising back up. That means you’re going to have to shake off the dust and become alert. Venus and Saturn will also connect this week, offering us some much-needed connection to other people, as well as clarity…
Your weekly horoscope is all about how to avoid some pretty intense love drama
How to avoid getting dumped after you already bought his Christmas gift
by Codi Cheyenne
Mercury’s retrograde ends on December 6th! How are we celebrating? What better way than with a New Moon in Sagittarius the very next day! If you’re wise, you’ll use this for a fresh start to stop getting caught up in the same dramatic situations playing on repeat and move on. Use this as a chance…