Every drunk-ass thing you’ll do on social media while totally hammered

Going out is great, but at some point, the night (or very early morning) has gotta end, and the siren song that is your beautiful, glowing phone screen will beckon.

But being drunk online is a dangerous game. Between non-chronological newsfeeds and the veritable treasure trove of information stored on everyone's profiles, in your drunk hands your cell phone can become a weapon of mass media destruction.

Here are the five different inner demons you could morph into when you're drunk on social media. Educate yourself, or (let's be honest, and) suffer the consequences.

The Stalker

So you met this guy tonight and you two were really hitting it off but you had to go because your friend called the Lyft and you were already splitting it with her but he told you his first name and where he went to college so you pop that into Facebook, you know, just to check and see if you can find him, and then all of a sudden you're looking at pictures of him from his junior prom and you're kind of crying because you're thinking about when you went to junior prom and how long ago that was and it just makes you feel so old?

And then you wake up the next morning with mascara all over your pillowcase and you're like "Who the fuck is Eric?" You better pray you didn't accidentally like anything, you freaking serial killer.

Damage scale: 1/5

The Fangirl / Hypewoman

Yes, ma! Support your friends! Gas their fucking selfies — three flame emojis? More like 30! "Sexy" doesn't look that good with only one y — "sexyyyyyyy" is way more evocative. Holy fuck! The internet is so so soooo amazing because you can use it to see the people you love whenever you want!

Just be careful where you aim your affection. You might think your high school art teacher will love it when you comment, "WORK bitch SLAY ME" on the pictures of her newborn baby but like, probably not. Simmer down.

Damage scale: 2.5/5

The Political Scientist

You've got a lot to say about the Trump administration, and 2 AM on a Sunday is the perfect time to say it. Not only are you providing nuanced, albeit unedited, news cycle analysis, you're linking multiple articles AND the phone number of your local representative. You're basically Elizabeth Warren, if Elizabeth Warren loved tequila sunrises and scream-singing Rihanna songs.

Unfortunately, it's hard to take a call to action really seriously when it's got a shitload of spelling errors and like, three different pretty meandering points. You performative woke bitch!

Take that shit down before you get in comment-fight with your conservative aunt.

Damage scale: 2/5

The Exhibitionist

When you look good, you freaking know it, am I right? Fuck peak hours and fuck a filter — You and your friends are glowing and you know it, so it's time to cross-post that bathroom stall selfie to all accounts and watch the likes roll in!

Except it's not really that good of a picture, because that glow is really more of a thin sheen of sweat, and your friend's nipple is kinda, sorta completely out and there's no good reason you guys would all be sharing a stall anyway so… Probably best to delete in the morning.

Unless it got a lot of likes. Duh.

Damage scale: 3/5

The DM-slider

Kinda crazy that you're scrolling through Twitter alone right now, because ordinarily you're one smooth operator who's not afraid to spit game on or offline. Or at least, not afraid right now.

Whether you're DMing a podcast host or just trying to rekindle things with an old flame who's looking like a snack on the IG story, you know all the right things to say, if you think "Heyyyyyyy lol wyd???" is the right thing to say. Spoiler alert: It probably isn't. Put it back in your pants, babe.

You're gonna wake up to some pretty confidence-crushing read receipts tomorrow morning, or a coffee date you'll cancel at the last minute because it's raining or something.

Damage scale: 5/5

@k80way