This is what your favorite trashy-ass alcohol says about you
Better not be a 4 Loko
by Una Dabiero
OK, so let's just be honest here: Most of us in the 99 percent don't have the money to constantly pound Patron, nice wines, and craft beers every time we go out.
Even though we like to act like we're always popping expensive bottles of champagne and spending the extra $5 to get a name-brand rum and Coke instead of a well, it just can't happen every day. Or ever, really.
And in order to fuel our hoe behaviors, we just have to be smashed at least semi-regularly, preferably in a near-constant buzz.
So how do we do it? We drink trashy-ass alcohol. The ones you're embarrassed to bring to the cashier because you're worried they'll think you're a high schooler with a fake ID. The ones you have to pour into a cup before you head to the pregame so no one knows you fund the destruction of all things beautiful – unless, of course, your friends are broke too and you're all pounding back Bud Light.
I think the shitty alcohol we use to get fucked up on a budget says a lot about us. Like, the girl who grabs PBR is NOTHING like the girl who goes for a Mangorita. It's a fact. Here's what your choice of shitty alcohol says about you:
If the first thing you go for when you're itching for a drink but have $6 in your account is PBR, you're definitely an art hoe. You think of yourself as very ahead of the trends, even if you still date guys with plugs. You've dropped a lot of acid with your ex-boyfriend who had a neckbeard but was like, so enlightened. Your favorite thing to talk about at parties is how you would be drinking a much more hoppy beer if you weren't poor as fuck. This helps you seduce the improv guy who was making fart jokes like all night but has a big dick. Congrats!
If you grab Strawberitas for the party you're going to tonight, I'm sorry, but you're a basic girly-girl who's a slut for everything pink. You use the word diva, wear rhinestones and rubber bracelets. You have a Pinterest and are always pinning monogrammed EVERYTHING – coffee mugs, pillows, thongs. You have a not-so-secret wedding board on Pinterest and are already planning a honeymoon to Disney World even though the last guy you had sex with was a bartender you met at a Chili's. You wear Victoria's Secret PINK, love fluffy things, and are always tagging your best girlfriend in Corgi videos with the caption "aww!" Or, or, or! You're just a 16-year-old girl and this is all your older cousin would buy you.
If Four Loko is your go-to drink, you're a fucking monster but I'm kind of in awe of you?? You are overly aggressive about your partying habits and you are not ashamed. You blackout so often your friends have secretly planned an intervention for you. You've probably woken up in your own vomit, woken up in a parking garage, or a combo of the two. You smoke cigs in your bedroom, which is decorated in old half-full handles and dirty clothes. You don't have a bed frame, which is probably a good thing given the kind of BDSM shit you're into. You are a beast, but like, you know how to rock leather.
Bud Light/ Natural Light/ Keystone Light
Your go-to is some shitty light beer because you 1000 percent think you're in a frat, even if you're 30 years old. You wear a lot of Patagonia or L.L. Bean, think Thomas Rhett is sexy, and have a Bible verse in your Instagram bio even though MANY your pictures are from nights at the bar where you sucked a dick in the bathroom. You are constantly fighting about politics on Facebook, wear sports jerseys as dresses, and probably live your daily life in Lululemon leggings and a baseball hat. But you know how to make a mean beer cheese, so like, we don't mind having you around.
Ok, you are classy but still poor. You're the type to wear a dress out when everyone else is wearing jeans and a nice top. Your makeup is always way better than your friends because you spend every bit of your free time watching beauty YouTubers or The Bachelorette. Also, you're a lowkey wine-mom in training. Like, you have a fulfilling career (that doesn't pay much, apparently) but you wouldn't necessarily say no if a nice guy asked you to raise his kids. But you're chill about it, you know? Even if you'll suck a guys dick as soon as you find out he works in finance.
Pulls of Aristocrat
If your go-to strategy for getting drunk is just pounding back shitty vodka, you are Four Loko girl but worse. Your aesthetic is smeared eyeliner and aggression. You think smoky eyes are always a good idea, post performative Insta stories, and actually respond to random guys' DMs. You're all about PDA with guys you met five minutes ago, and you've had semi(?)- public sex on at least one occasion. But honestly, you wouldn't change anything about yourself. You're the fucking life of the party and your friends let you make the Spotify playlists. Sick!
If you casually sip on Evan Williams to get drunk, you are horribly uneducated but also kinda sophisticated. You wear a lot of black, backpacked through Europe, and always talk about your three-month romance with an Italian man named Emilio. You contribute to art museums with your shitty salary which is why you have to drink Evan Williams. BUT one day, when your poetry collection gets picked up by a publisher, you'll be rolling in good whiskey. Your friends who don't know art think you are VERY cool, but your MFA friends know you secretly listen to Lana del Rey and buy your prints off Etsy.
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