‘Katy Perry is a cannibal’ is the craziest, most believable conspiracy theory I’ve ever read


pop  • 

‘Katy Perry is a cannibal’ is the craziest, most believable conspiracy theory I’ve ever read

I’m a Katy truther

There are a lot of celebrity conspiracy theories floating around: Britney Spears is a clone, Avril Lavigne is dead, Beyoncé was never pregnant.

But the only one that can't hold its weight is the theory Katy Perry is actually murdered child beauty pageant queen JonBenét Ramsey, because the cultural lexicon is only vast enough for one theory per celebrity at a time. And hers is this:

Katy Perry is a cannibal who attends private dinner parties in Hollywood where the guests dine on human flesh.

So here's what you need to know before making your mind up. According to leading theorists, the "Bon Appétit" singer opened up about her cannibalism in an interview "on French radio" earlier this year.

No one's been able to find audio of the interview, but several sites have picked up wild-ass quotes that they attributed to her.

They quote the singer as having said people in Hollywood say human meat is the best meat, but its “gotten a bad rap" because of “squeamish Christians and their hypocritical virtues.”

While you might think this is bullshit, or I know Katy Perry, did you also know she started her career as a Christian country singer before reinventing her image to attract the masses? Country Taylor is shaking!

In June of this year, the singer told the New York Times she finally "woke up" (from…life, I guess?) adding that she intends to reveal her "true self" to fans this year. "The old Katy Perry wasn’t a construct," she tried to explain, but "That was just me, and this is me now.”

  • Moving on to more evidence! If there were a fan theory about you being a cannibal but you weren't actually a cannibal, would you create a video about you being one? Of course not. But that's exactly what the flesh-eater did this year.

    Let me now direct your attention to“Bon Appétit,” where Katy Perry is cooked in a giant, human-sized pot and then served to a bunch of other humans on a plate.

    At one point in the video, the singer even appears to eat a cherry pie stuffed with body parts. She claims the imagery is a metaphor for her own "sexual liberation", but we know the truth.

    Naturally, her fans think otherwise.

    All the way back in 2014, another story ran about the pop star where she admitted to wanting to join the illuminati because she finds the idea of joining a cult "exciting." We probably should have listened to her.

    "If the Illuminati exists, I would like to be invited," she told Rolling Stone. But maybe she's already part of a cult — a bigger, more cannibalistic one. Maybe it's filled with other high-profile celebs who come hang out in Katy's mansion to chat about industry news and eat baby legs dipped in hummus or whatever.

    Maybe this is where all of her unaccounted for Twitter followers came from because I certainly don't know a single other person following her.

    The answer has been hiding directly in front of our eyes all along — she's not even trying to deny it.

    Instead, she's been shoving it down our throats.

    Related stories recommended by this writer:

    ‘Most followed person’ Katy Perry lost millions of followers in Twitter’s spam account crackdown

    Katy Perry wants to be Carly Rae Jepsen so bad, and I want her to know that it’s just not gonna happen

    Katy Perry is also banned from China and can’t perform at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show